Wyoming recently signed legislation adopting an official state code based on the Cowboy Code.

I didn’t have a TV much in my childhood, but when we had one in the house, my mother and grandfather made me watch western movies, Oprah, and the Andy Griffin show.  I never liked western movies; they were usually old, old movies, still in black and white.  I knew they were not the shows that my classmates talked about in school.

Despite my displeasure at having to watch those old movies and in my mind, “old people shows”, the cowboy movies always sucked me it.  Cowboys, to me, are exactly the way men are supposed to be. They are even better than the men from my favorite historical romances (which I LOVE).

Cowboys work quickly and quietly, they always do the right thing, even when it hurts, they are bound by honor, they always get the bad guys, they are good to the women around them, and they are kind to animals.  What more could one want in a man?

So when I listened to this podcast I was intrigued by the notion of a law created in the spirit of the cowboys from those old black and white movies. It only took a little digging to find this from Outdoor Life.

Although the historic Code of the West was unwritten, cowboys, trappers, hunters and others in the U.S. frontier knew it was about maintaining honesty, integrity and courage in a wide-open region where the affects of government barely reached and laws were not always enforced. Even though the bill is merely a symbolic gesture, carries no criminal penalties and is not meant to replace any civil codes, here at the Newshound, we think it reflects a pretty valuable ideology.

Ten Principles of Cowboy Ethics:

1. Live each day with courage

2. Take pride in your work

3. Always finish what you start

4. Do what has to be done

5. Be tough, but fair

6. When you make a promise, keep it

7. Ride for the brand

8. Talk less and say more

9. Remember that some things aren’t for sale

10. Know where to draw the line

Isn’t this cool, and so very true!? If only those in power (political, economic and social) believed and lived by these. But this list isn’t just for the rich or powerful.

What I love the most about this list is that it isn’t JUST about how to do more or better work. This is about how to live a better life. We all could live fuller, happier lives and make the world a better place if we keep this code in mind.

How different would the world be if everyone kept their promises (and we trusted them to keep their promises) or if everyone lived with the courage to do what needs to be done or our souls/environment/country couldn’t be sold to the highest bidder.

I’m adding this to my vision board. Who knew that the cowboys from my mama’s favorite movies were not only perfect men, but also good models of ethical behavior? Maybe THAT’S what made them perfect

It’s been a year since I played hookey from school and watched Barack Obama take the oath of office and move from being that super smooth politico-celebrity to leader of the free world.

It’s been even longer than that since I spent many a Saturday morning in front of the public library trying to convince people to, once they returned their library books, vote early (or simply register to vote and by the way, would they consider voting for Barack Obama and these other politicians that I think are pretty cool.

I was, and still am for the most part, inspired by Barack Obama and his near meteoric rise from Chicago no-name to POTUS. I really didn’t get all the “hope” bullshit, I didn’t believe that what America needed was HOPE—what we needed was someone with at least a little bit of intelligence to get in the White House and do what needed to be done. I FIRMLY stood behind Barack, praying that he really would bring the right kind of change to the States.

And so I have to admit that I’m a little let down.

Not that Barack isn’t doing the best he can. Let’s be for real, America was in trouble WAY before he stepped foot in the Oval Office for the first time. And all this economic crisis, housing bubble, bank bailout crap is still taking center stage. He did not create the shitstorm he’s currently wading through.

But still, dammit, I had an AGENDA! I just KNEW that by this point in the presidency we would have glorious universal healthcare, the wars in Iraq and Afganistan would be over – with all the Jews and Christians and Muslims of the world, sitting together singing Kumbaya. I figured at this point we’d (Barack and I) would start dealing with domestic issues like increasing access to public transportation in our largest metro areas, ending homelessness and increasing affordable housing stock, enhancing high speed internet connections in rural areas, fixing public education, letting gays get married, reversing global warming, perfecting the electric car, and maybe, just maybe, walking on water.

Unfortunately, this economic mega-crisis isn’t the only thing that’s stopping Barack’s and my progress. Why? Because America is still a two party system, and the other party (and fake members of our own party) continue to dig their stupid little feet into the mud, and pout and tantrum and not do ANYTHING productive. They pander and pussyfoot and act all mampy-pampy.

And, bless their hearts, the Repulicans , at this point, are just being spiteful and obstinate. I really don’t think that they have issues with the MERIT of some of Obama’s policies, they just say no as the starting point of their negotiations.

And poor Obama, still trying to be bipartisan. I was flipping the channels on the TV the other day and stopped briefly at MSNBC or CNN or something and saw Obama say something to the effect of “Bipartisanship doesn’t mean me giving into what they want all the time, and them giving in to what I want none of the time.” Meh. It’s a good start I guess.

Wanna know what I think?

-F- bipartisanship.  –F the Democrats. –F the Republicans. –F the PACs and Interest Groups. –F the think tanks and policy wonks.  And while I’m at it, –F Congress and f-ing re-election.

A couple of weeks ago I came across the Iron Law of Oligarchy- which basically says that those in power will do whatever is needed to remain in power. I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve seen this in action during my career, electeds who wuss out and don’t stand up for what’s right just because of the political reality of incumbency.  In DC it’s so much worse, where the stakes are oh so high and the money and power are addictive and intoxicating. Think about all the senators and representatives who have been sitting pretty and all self-important in the houses of Congress for longer than I’ve been born and haven’t accomplished anything useful. If it were up to me, 98% of Congress would be fired.

Policy making along the lines of political ideology, the latest gallup poll, or who’s flashing the biggest wad of money at you is not what’s hot in the streets.

Barack, dear friend that I stood for, campaigning – all day in the cold, wet rain on a lonely day in November – Be the exception to the rule. For the sake of all that is holy, all the newly minted voters that voted, for you, for the first time in their lives, for all the people that gave thanks to God and cried at the end of election night and during your inauguration, and for me, all the times I told some poor schmuck that their vote DOES matter, for all the Americans who you represent, for all the detractors that say you won’t be successful. For all of us, find and use your moral compass. Don’t succumb to the gathering and hoarding of power, don’t listen to the polls or the pundits. Forget about the corporate campaign funders. While we are at it, get rid of all the Clinton pundits on your staff telling you what to do. They are so 90’s anyway.

Barack, you’re a smart guy. I bet you even taught an Ethics class or two when you were an academic. I am confidence that you know right from wrong. Just… do the right thing. Stop worrying about what people will or won’t say. Ignore Fox News.

Make all those new grey hairs on your head worth it. Stop worrying. We trust you to do the right thing. We voted for you, so show us what REAL CHANGE looks like.

Just do the right thing. If that means being a bully to get good policies to pass, do it. If it means alienating folks that you would normally compromise with, do it. If it means calling people out on their asinine-ness, do. Flex your presidential muscle.

We voted for you because we thought you’d do a good job, do the right thing, and make us proud.

Don’t make us look stupid.

For those who haven’t seen the twitter or facebook updates….I am gainfully employed!

Yay me!

This is the end of the FIRST week has been an interesting work week.  Monday was spent getting introduced to the building, Capitol Hill,  and all the different Audit sections. Tuesday were spent almost completely on selecting benefits.  (I, for one, did not know that insurance could be so expensive.)  I ended up buying a half a dozen different kinds of insurance. Now I worry that I’m paying for stuff that I’ll never need while simultaneously hoping to God that I never do!

Wednesday and Thursday were spent in my cube (yes I have a cubicle) reading a stack of manuals. Administrative procedures, departmental procedures, division procedures, performance audit procedures.  I read several different kinds of audit reports.  I know auditing backwards and forwards.

Today, my division chief gave me his version of Auditing 101 (basically a recap of everything I’ve read so far this week.  I really, really understand (conceptionally, at least) what I am here to do.

I am officially ready to hit the ground running.

And apparently that is exactly what they expect me to do.

Monday is Day 1 on a new project and I am one part of a two person team. What fun! (Actually it IS fun)

My division chief, on several occasions this week has told me a bit about how I came to be hired.  On Wednesday, he told me that there were several highly qualified finalists but that I rose to the top. How I rose, I am not sure.  I assured him that I am immensely happy to be working, and flattered, to say the least.)

Today, he told me that there were several (including me) good candidates in the applicant pool.  There were some he knew would be productive staff analysts for many years. He then said that I was selected because it was clear that I wouldn’t be satisfied staying a staff analyst, and he needed to hire someone who wanted to be promoted.  Quickly.  The division is extremely understaffed, and my boss hopes to put me on the fast track when the budget is less restrictive.  (Yay me!)

As he told me all this, it took tremendous will not to start laughing out loud!  Am I that obvious?  No lie, on Monday during orientation I looked at the department’s vacancies org chart and decided that I could comfortably stay in this organization for 5-6 years and move up quickly in responsibility and salary.  It is nice to know that my boss has already pegged me as a mover and shaker and is willing to push me along.

.

My mother expected us to be make good grades, have a strong work ethic, have an active spiritual life, and to give back to the family and the community.

She raised my siblings and me to be successful.

When I was 16, I had two jobs; I worked as a cashier in a grocery store and I worked as an intern in the local County Commissioners office. I made quite a bit of money for a sixteen year old.  And all my money was not mine. Every pay day (every other Friday) I was responsible for dinner.  That was usually the day that we ate out; on my way home from work I would pick up Subway, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell or KFC was usually on the menu.  I often helped out with my own and my younger siblings’ school shopping. I was responsible for a quite a bit at a relatively young age. I mean, I was the oldest of four, being raised by a single mom.

Additionally, my academic life was absolutely not to suffer because of my jobs. I had to maintain a 3.5 GPA and keep up with the Latin Club, French Club, Key Club, and African-American Club activities.

You know what? I loved my life; I was busy, I was happy, and I had money. (If only life stayed that simple.)

I don’t remember if my mom ever asked me to contribute to the household or if I just decided it was the right thing to do.  And I don’t remember being upset about

Over the years, I’ve watched my mom give back to the community. Whenever we outgrew anything, she bagged it up and gave it away. I’ve seen her give people at church, in the neighborhood or at her school money and food when they fall on hard times. I’ve also seen her give kids (the ones that were less fortunate than us) a dollar per A on their report card.  I’ve seen her take people into corners to pray, I’ve heard her call out the names of friends, family and acquaintances in prayer from her bedroom.  I KNOW she gives hundreds of dollars to programs as church that she believes in.

She’s awesome.  She may not be a saint, but she’s pretty dang –on close. For her, being successful isn’t about money or materialist goods (She will likely not be a rich lady). Success is about doing the right thing (even when it takes money out of your own pocket), success is about taking care of your family and touching the lives of others. Success is being about to look in the mirror and being happy with the person that you are and the life that you live.

She’s likely a big part of the reason that I’ve decided to go into public service.  Whenever we talk about my career and my life, she tells me that my purpose in life is the help people lead better lives. Luckily, I agree with her. She thinks I have a future in the ministry. I gotta say, I’m fighting that one.

What does success look like to you? Who has been a major influence in shaping your ideas about success.

Check it: I looked into my crystal ball, and I saw that 2009 is going to be awesome (for all of us, but for me especially).

Last year, when I was myspace blogging, I made a big deal about the New Year and setting goals, not resolutions, and blah blah blah. Even this past fall, when the semester started, I took some time to set some goals. (Some of which I have done NOTHING about)

As I’m looking down the barrel to 2009, my brain starts ticking off stuff for the upcoming semester and the year. (Get a job, get my portfolio together, finish my thesis, prepare for a change, spend time with my friends and classmates, start my business, learn to swim, self-host this blog).

But my heart says, Oh, f*ck it. Can’t I just chill out and see what happens?

I’m not saying that goals suck and we shouldn’t make them (maybe I am???) What I mean is – If we really look deep within ourselves we know what the hell we need to do. Do we need to take the next step in our career? Step out on our own? Lose weight? Exercise? Eat healthily? Finally get our teeth cleaned?  Do we need to slow down? Spend more time with our loved ones? Concentrate on self-care? Get a life?

Whatever it is I (and you) need to do, WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! Duh, it’s probably staring us in the face.

My problem, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, isn’t knowing WHAT I need to do. It’s the doing of it that trips me up.  I get scared or anxious or doubtful or LAZY and I cop out.

And that is unacceptable.

So I’m not going to make a never ending list of new goals or resolutions or whatever you want to call them.

I’m just going to make one.

Do the things I know in my heart I need to do.

No matter how scared I get or how crazy it seems or what other people think.  Some things I just KNOW I’m supposed to do.

So this year, I’m just going to f*cking do what my scattered little brain wants and I’m not going to over think it.

And as I write these words my brain says, but wait, you need to plan, you need to think, you NEED to worry…. and I feel the old self-doubt and anxiety pitter pattering through my chest.

SO I take a deep breath and acknowledge that this sh!t ain’t gonna be easy. But it is necessary. Didn’t Tupac say, “I don’t want it if it’s that easy”?

Otherwise, what would be the point? I believe that is would almost be stupid to add “Complete MPA school” or “Get a job” to my 2009 goals.

Why?

Because those things are not OPTIONAL. They are GOING to happen. It’s a wrap.

But I haven’t always followed my heart (or exercised, for that matter). So I’m going to concentrate to those things that I have let fall by the way side. (ahem, me!!!)

(Aside: I heard somewhere that it takes a month to form a habit. So if I resolve to do the things I know I should, by February I should be good. )

So yeah, the crystal ball said it was going to be a super awesome year.  Can’t you feel it!!!?!?!?!?

Hello! Obama is going to be inaugurated, and W is headed back to Texas. That alone is a major achievement.

And

Recessions are hotbeds for innovation, so even though the economy is sh!t we need this time renew ourselves (like when the forest burns down, then it regrows as a more diverse ecosystem)

And

We get another year to grow and live up to our full potential; proving that we can be better than our former selves.

Yay for us!

Happy New Year, party people!

Tell me what your 2009 goals/resolutions are AND what are you most looking forward to in the OH NINE.

I’m applying for a fellowship that requires that I write a personal statement.  In a week or two, I’m actually going to post the final product.

I’ve had to write a few personal statements over the years, for undergrad, and during the application process for law school and graduate school.  Each personal statement is a little different, and I like to draw on different experiences to create a vision of myself that makes people want to pick me for their program.

In this case, my personal statement is a big component of whether I am accepted into this fellowship program.  And entrance into the fellowship program will open doors for multiple interviews with local governments throughout the United States.  It’s kind of a big deal, and I want to show myself to be the awesome leader that I am.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking (more than usual) what it means to be a good leader, and I am always on the lookout for my leadership in action. Today, I was able, within a 20 time span to get a glimpse of Monica-The Leader.

The following conversations with my classmates simulated (in my mind at least) what I would be like as a manager.  The personal insight into these conversations also made me realize how much I depend on my soft skills. They reminded me of the importance of context when making decisions. And it brought to my attention some potential weaknesses in my leadership style.

A classmate in another department called me and said the following:

Him: Monica, I’m exhausted. I’ve been working on blah, blah, blah project and I really want to go to bed. Do you know of anything happening in class today that I NEED to be there for?

Me: Honey, I don’t know what we are doing in class, but it doesn’t matter. Go home. Go to bed, if anything important happens in class, I’ll send you an email.

Him: I thought that would be your answer, that’s why I called you (instead of our other classmate, S).

Me: Ha! You knew I would give you a pass! Hmmm, what does that say about me…. Okay, love, go home, sleep well.

Then I had a conversation with another classmate about a problem she was having getting in touch with a government hack. She asked me for guidance and advice.

Her: I’ve been trying to get in touch with this government bureaucrat about XYZ policy for a paper I’m writing, but he isn’t responding to my email. It’s weird, he responds to my other email about other stuff. We’ve been corresponding for weeks.

Me: He doesn’t want to talk you about xyz. XYZ policy, if implemented, will increase his workload.  If you want to talk to him, you have to call him and bully him into telling you what he thinks about XYZ. He’s not going to respond to your email on this topic. You also need to come to terms with the idea that he won’t talk to you about this. It’s too much of a political hot potato for him.

Her: If my finding is that the government employees don’t want this policy, then it is going to make someone angry.

Me: You are going to make someone angry. Get used to it and get over it. It’s your job to get the truth, not to worry about who gets mad about it.

These conversations made me think about what kind of leader am I? Am I the kind of leader that shows compassion for folks (even when I suspect that my classmate was up late last time because he waited to the last minute to get something done).

Or am I the kind of leader that expects folks to suck it up, and do what they are supposed to do, and make the tough decisions?

Hmmm.

Empathy

Reflecting on how my classmate in the first conversation made me reevaluate how others see me.  I generally see myself as a hard-ass. I even had a professor (or two) comment on how they wouldn’t want want work for me.  I demand excellence, in myself and in others. And I don’t give breaks….or do I?

Thinking that I could potentially be seen as a softie was a huge blow to my perceived management style.  But when I think about how I deal with real people, I see a myriad of examples where I cut other people slack. (Maybe I’m not such a meanie, after all)

I apparently have a huge capacity for empathy – when the situation warrants it.  I have often found myself, the day after pulling an all-nighter, needing to go home and recharge.  I understood his situation, and I knew that it would be better for him (and me) if he got some sleep today.

In the real world, would I have been so forgiving if it were female employee telling me her kid was up all night sick and she needed to take some time off? Of course.

What if an employee took a day off to play video games? Probably not.

Intuitiveness

On the other hand, in the second situation, I wasn’t willing to let my classmate off the hook. I knew it was in the best interest of her paper to get the truth from that government hack.  I knew he was ignoring her because she was asking a question that he didn’t want to answer.

I was able to motivate her to keep digging and I was able to read between the lines quickly to figure out what the issue was and give her suggestions on how to go about fixing it.

Soft Skills

Leadership is more than having the right answer. It is more than being the best at Excel or some fancy design software or being able to do the best regression analysis.

Leadership comes down to people.

I worry that as I apply for jobs, my strengths, those soft skills like intuition and empathy, aren’t going to be as well received as some other MPAer how spent the last year and a half actually learning statistics, and excel and GIS. (bleh)

I spend the last year and a half learning about people. I’ve learned how to motivate and negotiate. I’ve learned how to recognize the strengths and weaknesses of others (and help others to be successful). I’ve learned how to connect differing ideas into a workable plan. I’ve learned how to deal with weirdo personalities. I’ve learned how to pick good team members, and when that fails, I’ve learned how to work in the most jacked-up team ever. I’ve learned to listen and give good advice.  I’ve learned to do small talk, and get people to like me.

And when it all boils down, people like me should will be running the show anyway.  As my colleagues and I make our way up the career ladder, it won’t take long to separate the idea leaders from the task leaders. (And there is nothing wrong with being a task leader. You just shouldn’t be leading people. You should be doing your tasks.)

But I truly consider myself a big idea person. I don’t care how something gets done. Just do it.

So when interviewers ask me about my strengths the challenge for me will be, not only tell them my strengths, but also why those skills matter. And why they should hire me. Immediately.

I mean, anyone can learn budgeting or finance or statistical analysis, but not everyone can deal with people.

For a couple of months, I’ve been toying with the idea of developing an on-line networking site.  I’ve spent countless hours (when I probably should have been working on my studies) thinking about the different aspects and features of my very cool networking site.  I multi-tasked in class looking at different software that I could use to develop it. I thought about domain names, and mission statements, and how to build a business brand (or at least a non-profit) around my idea.  Like everything I do, I obsessed about it.

So.

Here’s my idea. Or the story behind my idea.

2 weeks ago I listened (or pretended to) to a lecture by a government hack who was talking a group of other government hacks (and future government hacks, i.e. MPAers) about the way we Gen Y and Millennial (and Gen X to a certain extent) MPA, MPP degree holders manage our careers.

His main points:

We change jobs frequently. We aren’t attached to a job title, an organization or a boss.  If something better, more fun, more interesting, more engaging comes along; we bounce like a bad check.  On to bigger and better things. (This is not a surprise to anyone under 32.)

We change sectors frequently. We don’t particularly care if we work for non-profits, governments (local, state or federal), or the private sector or ourselves. And at some point in our careers, most of us will have worked for a combination of these entities.  Most of us are in it to make a difference, change the world, start a revolution-otherwise we would be getting MBA’s and not MPA’s. And chasing the almighty dollar.

Ahem.  That is the back story.

This is the front.

I am looking for a work opportunity and I want to expand my professional work-related network. I would say I want to start my career but that sounds so stick in the mud and is so.not.me. I would say I’m looking for a job, but “job” sounds hard and boring and I don’t want work to be hard, I want it to be fun, engaging and I want to contribute to the welfare of my fellow man, dammit.  And I really don’t care who I work for.

And I figured there are lots of others just like me, graduating with a MPA, MPP, Political Science, Social Policy, blah blah blah degree but not really looking to be a cog in someone else’s wheel. And I know there are other young professionals and recent grads just like us who are trying to get off the bureaucracy bandwagon and actually DO something useful.  Even if it’s just for volunteer.

And then I thought, Wouldn’t it be fun if we all (all the world changers, in all job sectors, around the world) had a place where we could meet, greet, exchange ideas, talk about available jobs, share our work/war stories (horror and other) network, chit chat, build a community, make a difference, help each other and save the world (and the whales)?

My networking site could be a hub for all the sh!t that I think about when I’m sitting in class learning (supposedly) how to affect organizational change or read a regression line.

Today my school sent me a survey, no doubt sponsored by the government hack from the beginning of the story, and it listed some of the best known on-line social media outlets (myspace, facebook, linkedin, blogs)  and asked the question, which of these do you utilize  most? I scrolled down to the bottom of the list, because, of course, I use them all and I want pick the other box so I can add twitter (and ping) and when I get to the bottom I see a website that I have never heard of.

Like all things internet related, I must know what this mysterious, unknown website is……

And damn if it’s not my f*cking idea!  Just in case you, like me, have been living under a rock, apparently, and have never heard of this site; it is Idealist.org and it is pretty f*cking cool.  I’m just mad I didn’t think of it first. Dammit.

Now I have to think of another big idea. Sh!t.

I had three really great conversations with cool, intelligent people over the course of 48 hours. And the topic of conversation?  ME!

This is what I learned from those conversations:

>>I am under tremendous pressure. Not because of deadlines, and papers and graduating from MPA School, however. I am under increasingly large amounts of pressure because I care too damn much about what other people think of me. Large amounts of my time is wasted because I am wondering, thinking, stressing over what this or that person is thinking about my decisions, my words, my life. I’ve called myself a chameleon for years, it is only now that I realize that this is not a compliment.  My chameleon behavior has caused me to wonder “Who the hell am I, really?” Because I’m someone different for everybody.

This is a problem, but I have no one to blame but myself.

>>I have carried friends and loved ones on my back, making sure that their lives ran smoothly, fixing their problems, being a sounding board but in the meantime I forgot about little ol’ me.  Who the f*ck takes care of me?  Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I have been more likely to work for the best interest of others. I ask, What works for you? What do you need? What will make you happy? Never once stopping to ask myself, What the f*ck do you want, Monica?

This behavior must cease and desist.

>>I say bad things about myself all the time. Regardless of all the great things I do on a daily. Despite all the awesomeness that seeps from my pores on the pages of this blog.   I often have feeling of unworthiness, inadequacy (this would be worse if I were a man, hee hee), I dwell on my shortcomings, my mistakes, regrets, etc. In short, I am never good enough (in my own mind).

And that is just plain wrong! I am so cool.

How do I know? Everyone tells me so .

Seriously, I have NEVER given myself a reason not to believe in my coolness. I always bring it. I rock. (Even as I say it, I don’t know why I have such a hard time believing it.)

I have to unwind my negative tape. And put in a better more positive tape (thanks for that visual, gf!) And give myself a daily pep talk.

>>My life is better when I’m spontaneous. And flying by the seat of my pants.  When I make a decision quickly, I’m a happy camper.  If I have time to stress, agonize, and worry about a problem, then I stress and worry, then make the decision anyway, but at the end I have a decision and an ulcer.

My need for spontaneity may explain why procrastination works so well for me. The last minute allows me to do what I need to do.  Then I release the decision, project, problem into the Universe, and I don’t have to worry about it anymore.  When I have too much time to work on a project, I end up stressing over it, and waiting til the last minute anyway.

>>I’m a rule breaker. I like to do things my way. I don’t like to walk single file. I don’t like to follow the speed limit. I don’t follow directions well. I will do stupid stuff sometimes just to see if I can get away with it.

But you know what? For 26 mutha f-ing years, I have done NOTHING but follow the rules and do what everyone expected of me.

And I’m over it.

I have been having a reoccurring NIGHTMARE for at least 3 years, where I’m suffocating and no one will help me, even when I scream my little head off.  Tuesday, someone that I pay to listen to me said something along the line of ” Well, if you’d let her out of her cage more often she wouldn’t try to kill you.”

She didn’t really say that. But she should have.

What she did say was that I am all I need and I am good enough. And when I free myself from the pressure of being PERFECT then I’ll stop suffocating. And when I truly understand and believe in myself, my super scary nightmare will go away. Because the real Monica is ready to stand up.

Intellectually I get all this. I see how all these horrible bad habits make my life harder and miserable. But old habits are hard to break. Will people still love me if I start caring for myself more than them? I sure hope so, but that is not the point here.

The point is that I’m learning, slowly but surely how to get back to me (for the first time, ever).

And I love my gf, ’cause she lets me be a complete teary mess and she listens to me.  She reminded me (and I didn’t even have to pay her for this nugget of wisdom) of all the things I’ve done over the past 18 months where I did what I wanted instead of what EVERYONE else expected.

• I broke up with my fiancé- who is a great guy, btw (just not for me)
• I started dating a woman
• I told my family that I’m dating a woman
• I moved out on my own
• I started graduate school
• I’m taking a hodge podge of non-finance/budget classes
• I’m moving far far away from here

And these are all things that make me happy. And I don’t care what you other f*ckers think!

My sister is attending an HBCU and she loves it– now, at least, thank goodness.  She had the hardest time when school first got started.  She had trouble (and still had trouble) getting responses from advisors, financial aid, admissions- basically everyone a student might need to get in touch with.  I remember when she was applying to colleges; she went through the ringer with HBCUs. Lost information, misinformation, no communication- lots of problems.

 I don’t remember having those problems with the schools (non-HBCUs) that I applied to, btw.  

Last weekend, my sister was home from fall break, and I asked her how things were going at school and her response was something along the lines of: I love going to an HBCU. I just have to remember that even though it is a prestigious school, they are still Black. They are going to be late, unorganized and inefficient.  Blah, blah, blah.

When she said that, I kind of looked away and didn’t say anything about it. Mostly because I didn’t know how I felt about her statement and the discussion that would have ensued had I tackled that statement was not the kind of conversation that I wanted to have with my baby over her fall break when I only had an hour of her time and attention. (I just wanted to hear about all the cool things she’s getting to see and do in the big, bad city, and at school with all the black folks.)

I’ve had some time to think now, and unfortunately I’m still torn about how I feel about her statement.  Part of me wants be offended, and say that lateness, disorganization and inefficiency shouldn’t be qualities that we want to automatically equate with Black people and black organizations. But part of me, sitting in the car with her, and even now kind of agrees with her.

This makes me cringe a little inside because 1) my friends, family and loved ones that are HBCU educated may kick my @ss for even posting this 2) I don’t want to be one of those black people that puts other black people down by pointing out flaws 3) Black people and institutions already have a hard time fighting implicit and explicit racism and discrimination and when they get caught being stereotypical it gives white people an excuse to say “See, black people really are like that.” 

And white people don’t need any more excuses to act like @ssholes.  The Republican Party, at this moment, has the market locked on white @sshole-ness. That’s enough.

 The more important problem with her statement wasn’t that she felt that her school fell into a negative racial stereotype (as bad as that was). I was more mad that that she felt that she should/could give them a pass for being less than perfect-because they were black.  She thought it was ok that her school had all those problems-and it was almost expected since they were black.

 I took it personally.  I mean, I don’t want anyone to give me a pass (during those very rare times that I do something stupid) just because I’m black or an f-ing woman or under 30 or any other reason for that matter. And I’m not giving anyone (none of ya’ll, regardless of ethnicity/color/national origin/native tongue) passes.

 Minority status doesn’t give us minorities (individuals and organizations) an excuse to be any less (in any and all areas) than majority individuals and organizations. We, as minorities, must expect quality in ourselves (and each other).  I, also, don’t want the majority to automatically expect (or condone) less from me because I’m the black chick. That is unacceptable.

  I don’t want a f*cking pass (and neither should you)! I expect per-f*cking-fection in myself and everyone else.  I don’t give a d*mn about race, sex, gender, IQ or anything else for that matter. Everyone should be held to the same standard.

 It pisses me off that organizations (like my sister’s school) get by (and charge ENORMOUS tuitions) while fulfilling the stereotype that black people are late, slow, unorganized.  What good can come of black organizations being thought of as lesser quality than majority organizations? Why would anyone want to work with minorities when they don’t expect the same quality as they would from other organizations? Can minorities expect to be treated fairly if they don’t have the same quality, and if we (minorities) don’t expect us to perform on their level?  And what does it mean when we (minorities) don’t expect quality from ourselves, when we say “it’s black people, so what more do you expect?”

 It does a disservice to all of us. 

 When minorities act like stereotypes it puts all of us at a competitive disadvantage.   We gotta be on top of our game at all times.

 Let this be a lesson to you, minorities. Get it together.

 Stop making me look bad.

So, the gf and I were at Borders on Sunday in an effort, by her, to pry me away from the tv. Because watching hours of tv, in my pj’s, two days in a row on a 3-day weekend is bad?!?!?! LOL.

Anyway, as is my routine in mega-bookstores, I browsed the new fiction, self-help, philosophy, religion, history, and sex sections and came away with a stack of books to thumb through. This Borders didn’t have really good seating, no random benches tucked away in corners, no cushions on the floor, nothing even in the Children’s section. They did have four club chairs next to the cafe area, which was quite large and mostly empty.

So, the gf and took our stacks and sat at a table . While I was scanning the room for possible seating, I noticed this guy chillin’ in one of the club chairs with his legs propped up on the arm of the chair, talking on his cell phone, like he was in his living room. This was not a “I’m out in public, let’s make plans to talk later conversation” this was a “Let’s discuss what we have been doing for the past five years, in detail conversation” And we could hear EVERY WORD.

I hate this!!!! I am easily distracted and I was reading about how to be my more authentic self, so I needed to have a modicum of semi-quiet or at least normal business noise. But instead, I listen to this conversation. Not becasue I wanted to, but because it was so loud, I couldn’t help it.

The entire time, I was thinking I should go say something. I should tell this guy how he’s distracting me and the rest of the people over here. And I knew he was distracting everyone, because when I looked around at the other 6+ people that were sitting around, every time the loud talker laughed or got louder someone would sigh and roll their eyes.

And I wanted to get up, curse him out and tell him to shut up because we were all trying to read. I knew that the gf is even more distractable than I am at times, I was getting more and more annoyed and I couldn’t believe that this guy was really gonna continue to have this long-ass conversation!

I was having this internal argument with myself about how if I were a real leader I would have walked my ass over to this loud talker and kindly told him to please be quiet because he was disturbing us. I chided myself for being a wimp and not having the guts to at least shush the guy. Another part of me said, no don’t get up, he may start an altercation, he may beat you up or he may go out to his car get a gun and shoot you. (they can do this in Ga now)

A core tenet of leadership, in my book, is having the guts, balls, wherewithal, whatever- to speak the truth and shame the devil. And I didn’t have the balls to follow through… and I was a little ashamed of myself.

Fortunately for me, another gentleman was also super-duper annoyed and finally approached the guy and told him to shut the hell up because we were all trying to read and he was rudely having this now 30 minute conversation which was disturbing us. The loud talker looked around, and said, “But I’m talking quietly.” (yes, he seriously said that!!!!)  And only then did I find my voice to say, “no sir, we’ve been listening to you talk for half an hour.” Loud talker quickly got off the phone and left the store. (and I just knew he was gonna come back and shoot me.)

But you know what, other than me and the gentleman, no one, and there were several other men in the room, said anything to loud talker before he left. Maybe they felt that the problem had been handled, but damn, they could have added their two cents in making loud talker feel bad for being an idiot.

It just made me realize importance of a single voice. I could have argued with myself all day about speaking up, listening to that stupid conversation, surrounded by people who were mad, but unwilling to do anything about it, or having the same internal conversation with themselves. But all it took was one other person speaking up to give me the courage to speak up myself.

And, alas, the idiot was gone. I was pleased, and I was able to continue reading about the ethics of Batman and why he has never been able to kill the Joker.  Ya know, a utilitarian would say that killing the Joker is ethically sound because it would save all of  the lives that the Joker would otherwise take (just in case you needed to know that)