Telling, or deciding who and when to tell has been one of the most anxiety-ridden thing I’ve had to do in regards to my lesbian identity. I had to make decisions about my mom, my siblings, other family members, my friends, acquaintances, church members, co-workers, everyone.  Even the strangers we meet in the streets automatically make judgments or assumptions about our (homo and hetero) relationships, gender and sexuality. I had to decide how I wanted to deal with it all.

In graduate school, I was neither in nor out. I was the queen of DADT.

Of course, there was that one favorite classmate of mine who figured it out almost immediately. I would neither confirm or deny, but for him, the cat was out of the bag.  We shared a wink and a smile, and both went back to whatever conversation we were originally having. I will always love him for that. And it felt good to know that if wasn’t that big of a deal.

In talking about the GF, I simply said my significant other, my partner or the asexual “them”.  However, it didn’t take my closest classmates very long to realize that the only reason a person would use those particular words was if they had something to hide. And I am reminded of a particular raucous, tequila filled night where I slipped up and said her. I hoped that no one noticed.

On Diversity Day we watched a series of skits designed to inform us of all the ways we could look like racist, prejudiced a-holes, even when we don’t mean to be. While I was visibly awkward and disturbed by the display of We Love Everyone –even the Blacks, the Jews, the Homos and Women– propaganda, I was NOT going to use that moment to tell my professors and classmates of my super minority status.

It wasn’t until our second year when a group of us were thinking of renting a house together that I thought, in the spirit of full disclosure, I should come clean.  And with the eight of us standing in a Kroger parking lot discussing the pros and cons of a communal living arrangement, I in full dramatic fashion, proclaimed myself a lesbian. My friends just looked at me with silly grins, as if they A. Needed a warning and B. Didn’t already know.

Even if they didn’t care, I felt good about it.  And I felt good about waiting to share. In entering graduate school, I made a conscious decision not to be the token lesbian. I wanted to be liked and judged on the merits of my character, wittiness, drinking ability, and intellectual prowess, not on the sex of the person with whom that I share my life.

And waiting helped me accomplish that.

What a wonderful idea.

Presumably, when two people decide to get married they have things in common. They know each other’s likes and dislikes, favorite foods, favorite movies, personal styles and so forth.  But more importantly, these two people are able to identify each other’s smells and the taste of one’s skin.  They know what they expect to feel when they touch a favorite body part.  If one were to hear the other’s voice at a distance, over the phone or across the way, they know unconsciously that it is them.

Countless times a day I think a thousand variations of “I have to share this with the GF!” when I read or see something that makes me laugh or cry. And I sometimes send her half a dozen emails when I read something that I know she will find interesting.

So when I hear about friends that have been in relationships as long or longer than myself going through the messiest of break-ups or even those that end because “We just aren’t right for each other anymore” I automatically put myself in their shoes and try to figure out what the GF and I can do to avoid their fates.

I understand what it feels like to want to spend the rest of your life with my best friend.  And it makes my stomach hurt to think about living my life without her in it.  I’ve lost best friends before, and it ain’t fun. I don’t want to go through that again.

When I see my newly single friends bouncing back from a break up, I marvel at how they do it.  How do you turn off the “I can’t wait to share this with them” button?  How do you forget about this person that meant so much to you? How does one go from sharing the most intimate details of life with a person to never speaking to them again?   Call me crazy, but I get attached.  Once I’ve shared myself with you, I find it difficult to just forget about all those details and go about my existence without at least wondering about the other person.

Unfortunately, the reality of life is that break-ups happen.  People, interests, desires all change. Sometimes we make stupid mistakes that change the course of our lives and relationships.  And while I know a break up would not literally kill me, that pain is not one that I relish having.  And maybe that’s why I try so hard to keep my relationship together.

Jody asks Bette if she still loves her, Bette says yes.  Jody clarifies by asking if she loves her to the exclusion of all others. Of course, cheating-ass Bette just looked sad and stupid.

Do you love me to the exclusion of all others?

WOW. That’s asking a lot, right? I mean, I understand the sentiment behind it- fidelity and so forth- but when you think about it that’s a pretty powerful statement.  Loving one person to the exclusion of all others means, of course, that you will be faithful to and love only that one person.  But in my estimation, this ACTUALLY refers to excluding everyone else.  This is why married couples leave their parents and start their own household.

Today, one of my friends told me she was happy to have couple friends because couple friends understand the importance of “couple time”. Couple time excludes everyone else. It’s time for you and your boo- alone.

In past relationships I was the girl that left her boyfriend at home and partied with her friends. I preferred my friends; I was more likely to exclude HIM. My current relationship is different.  I’d rather be with the GF than anyone else.  And when I am with my friends, I can’t wait to come home to her.

But that’s not all that happened on The L Word. Later in the scene, Jody proceeds to break down.  She lamented the fact that she allowed herself to love Bette as much as she did.  She said I was fine before I met you.

I had to yell at the TV screen at that one! Jody I feel you, girl!  Sometimes the GF pisses me off so BAD! Sometimes she does things that make me think back to the night we met.  I remember our first few dates and I think, if only she’d kept her damn hands to herself. If only we hadn’t had such a strong connection. If only she had left me alone.

I was fine before I met her. My life was going according to plan.  Granted, when we met I was ending a relationship that was less that satisfying but I had great friends, a great job and my heart was in check.

Then I fell in love with the GF and nothing has been fine since.  No one has makes me as mad as she does, no one makes me laugh as hard and no one makes my heart feels so full.

But sometimes I want to strangle her

There are meetup groups for anything you want to do. Me, I’ve joined a couple of arts/film/food lovers groups, a couple of writing groups and a couple of book clubs. So far, my I haven’t been able to attend many of the activities. All the activities tend to happen at the same time that I have something else going on!!!

A few weeks ago, I went to one book club meeting, and I wasn’t impressed. I spent a week quickly reading the book club selection, and not really liking the book. I almost chickened out of going to the meeting (I’m shy and not that into meeting new people). I talked myself into going, only to be pretty disappointed. I ended up leaving the meeting sad and depressed. I didn’t feel a connection to any of the the other members, and there wasn’t anything about that meeting to convince me to return.

Today was different, I attending a Women of Worth book club meeting. It was, in two words, hilariously awesome. It was my kind of book club; we read poems and drank vodka and laughed our asses off. It was so much fun.

When I got home, the GF asked me if I felt silly for getting all bend out of shape over the first failed meeting up. I didn’t actually answer her, but yep. I feel a little silly.

So when I read beautiful things written by beautiful people it makes me really happy and my faith in the world is restored (at least briefly).  And Marie had made me pretty happy today. In her post, Take Care, she asserts that we are in the lives of our friends, lovers, families because God trusts us to take care of them.

Read it again to make sure you got it. God trusts us to take care of them.

WOW. I got chill bumps while reading that statement!!! It is such an amazing and empowering thought. I am responsible for taking care of the people with whom I’ve been blessed to interact.

Sometimes I think about packing up my life and running away and living in a cave in the Midwest.  I’ve wondered if anyone would notice or care if I was no longer around. Most times I think I make a so-so friend. So to think that God (in her/his all-knowing wisdom) trusts me?!?!?!

I have friends and family with whom I have a cosmic (in my mind, at least) connection with.  People with whom I immediately feel comfortable.  People with whom I can be my total ridiculous self.  People who know me better than I know myself.  People who (on the days that I believe in reincarnation) I believe I’ve been living and dying with throughout the millennia. People I would die to save.

People who I am very guilty of occasionally treating badly.  People who I haven’t called, texted or even tweeting in forever. I ignore phone calls. I hold grudges.  I hurt feelings.  I rush to get off the phone or off the IM. I have horrible trust issues. I have hang-ups that keep me distant and invulnerable.

Sometimes I consciously tell myself that I shouldn’t care about anyone.  Caring makes one vulnerable and out of control. And I don’t want to be vulnerable and out of control.

When I think about how I treat people, I feel like an asshole.  Because Marie is right. How dare I not care? How dare I not trust myself to be the kind of lover, friend, family member that my loved ones deserve? I mean, if God can trust me (and my friends and family trust me) to do it properly, what’s my f-ing problem?

I’ve been admonished.

Thanks, Marie for reminding me that love, friendship and family are beautiful gifts that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  I promise to do better.  And I printed out her post and am taping it on my Vision Board.  I want to be the kind of person that God, apparently, thinks I am.

Worthy of the people in my life.

Tonight, a group of us got together and had Indian food. 

Not just normal Indian food.  One of us found this Indian lady who cooks every Wednesday at her house.  She doesn’t just cook; this woman stick’s her little Indian foot in it!  With an RSVP you can come to her house, eat in or take out dinner for $10 a person. 

We went in with tuberware, got a crazy amount of food, left and ate dinner (family-style) by the pool at our apartment complex. 

It was SO much fun. And the food was A-MAZING.

We ate, and talked about each other, our classmates, our professors.  As I am not a fan of small talk, I love intimate conversations about hopes, fears, concerns, life…. And tonight was that kind of conversation. 

 I love that every time I talk to my classmate friends I reveal parts of myself and learn new things about them.  I love our closeness, I love our easiness, I love our generosity with each other.  Even though we will be scattered across the country in a few weeks, and I will be soooooo far away from these crazies that I have come to love and admire, I KNOW that these are my life friends.  While our relationships will change with our geography, I have to beleive that we can remain a part of each other’s lives.  (otherwise I’ll go stark raving mad)

I love my ‘maties!

Anyway, I’ve celebrated half a dozen birthdays this month. No. Seriously I have.  It only took me about 5 minutes to look around me and see something that was mildly shocking. 

I’m surrounded by Aries women; the GF, my college BFF, and my post-college BFF, along with 4 of my favorite classmates are all Aries women.  

As I’ve celebrated one birthday after another this month, I’ve pondered this serious question. 

What is it about me (or them) that makes me love Aries women? 

When I really started thinking about it I realized a few things: 

Sagittarius and Aries are both fire signs which means that Aries is one of the few signs that can handle what I dish out.  My friends and I, and the GF and I can fight and not kill each other.  This is important in relationships.  Some signs (*cough* water signs) are super sensitive, and trip out over the bluntness of an Aries or the tactlessness of a Sag girl. 

Fire signs are strong signs.  We are not wishy-washy. If a hard decision needs to be made, ask a fire sign to make it.  Fire signs are natural leaders, and can generally be found telling someone else what to do.  You’d think that this would make it hard for two fire signs to get along, but Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign, which leaves me more flexible that than the stubborn ram. 

Fire signs are confident.  I like that in my friend, who wants to hang out with someone who always needs to be told how hot they are.  When I tell my friends how cute they look, I often get the “I know it” look.

I’ve done LOTS of those compatibility tests, and they always say that I am most compatible with other Sagittarians and Aries. Always. It always says something about only being with someone who could match my passion with an equal passion of their own….and could put up with my sh!t and not let me take advantage of them.  

It seems that I have taken heed to that recommendation and let it slip over into my platonic life. My life is richer and full of people who understand me because of it.  I haven’t lived my life asking potential friends immediately about their zodiac signs (wait, I have done this once or twice), but I when I think about my various groups of friends I can only think of two or three who aren’t fire signs (and one of those is my baby sister, the Pisces).

 It seems I can truly find my match when I play with other fire signs. (Maybe I should ask all new friends about their zodiac signs.) 

Happy Birthday to all my April Aries Babes! You rock my world!

Hey you, what’s your sign? (Since we are talking about it, and all.)

I hate the MPA picnic because is huge, everyone from administrators to faculty is invited and it is the one event where EVERYONE brings their kids and families. It happens way out in the country and it is OUTSIDE so I get eaten by mosquitoes.  Furthermore, I have to make nice with people that I really don’t like much.

I decide (at the very last minute) that I should go.  (I mean, it is the LAST official event). I figured it would be worth it since skits and stuff were planned where we get to make funny of each other. (I like to experience my 15 minutes of fame like everyone else.)

 I was horrendously late; fortunately, I didn’t miss the real festivities (just the food). 

After about an hour of small talk, finally we came to the reason for the gathering! The faculty gave our class our superlative awards.  I received the award for most likely to grow an electronic appendage.  (This is hilarious SINCE I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BLACKBERRY!!!! —-Can you tell I really want a smart phone???) I had no idea that anyone else had noticed the number of texts I send and receive, my in-class blogging, twittering and facebooking.  Or how I am always preaching to them about the power of the world wide web.

Remedial as it is, my phone, laptop or netbook are never far away, and I have been known to stop a conversation to check on my phone. Since I seem to be the most technologically advanced of all my classmates, I guess it is only fair that I am awarded for my self-promotion efforts.

Later my classmates and I introduced ourselves. (we’ve had to introduce ourselves 100’s of times over the past 2 years)  This time we introduced each other using the academic, professional, and personal information we have gathered about each other over the past 4 semesters.  I was introduced as the Social Media Queen (no surprise there).  The introduction went on to say that when I’m famous, I’m firing everyone.  This was cute and funny because in class whenever we talk about ethics and HR practices, I’m always quick to fire someone. I have ZERO patience for ethical lapses.  If someone knowingly breaks the rules, I believe they should be fired.  However, in HR and Ethics classes my classmates continue to be appalled at the speed with which I would fire someone.  All in all, I LOVED my introduction.

Shortly after the introductions, I left the picnic.  I figured I should leave before I realized how much I’m going to miss those crazy sons of bitches. I didn’t want to consider how empty my life will feel without them in it every day.  Seriously, I prayed for friends, then I was admitted into the MPA program and fell in love with 25 strangers.  Now it’s all over.

And I’m too cool to cry in front of them.

I had five called “Reasons why I’m better that you” but I deleted them.

Here is the final list, by catergory

Personality things

1. I HATE being by myself

2. But I sometimes feel alone in rooms full of people

3.  I sometimes say things I don’t mean just to see how others will react

4. I’m an attention whore, but I’m really shy around new people

5. Sometimes I believe that I’m living someone else’s life

6. I’ve been dreaming of my tattoo since I was 10 years old, but only recently got it.

Sexuality things

1. I love being naked

2. I wish I were way more scandalous than I am

3. I find older women very attractive

4. I’m a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. I prefer to call everyone honey, baby, sweetness, or some other southern foolishness

5. I am very attracted to the way people smell. And I will sniff you if I want to.

6. I get crushes on people EVERY DAY

Spiritual things

1. I don’t believe in coincidences. Signs are everywhere

2. I believe prayer works

3. I believe in soulmates. Not in the sense that we are each assigned 1. I believe I have a whole gang of people that I’m supposed to spend my life with, and I believe that there are a few who I have spend a few lives getting to know.

4. I am a Sagittarius sun sign and a Leo rising, and I embody almost every stereotype of each.

5. I have problems with faith, yet I love and study religions whenever I can and I can quote the Bible on command

6. I grew up in a very religious, conservative home, and I am surprised that I’ve turned out the way I have.

Relationships

1. I prayed for friends and God put me in MPA school

2. I am EXTREMELY close to my siblings, and I miss them every day that we are apart

3. I miss my childhood best friend a lot, and I am saddened that it is only because of stupid divisive religious beliefs that we aren’t friends anymore

4. I prefer animals to people, and I prefer babies to adults

5. It has only been recently that I realized that I could love someone else as strongly as I love my family

Miscellaneous

1. I met and hung out with a girl twice and she had a profound effect on the trajectory of my life, but if I passed her in the street, I wouldn’t be able to identify her and I don’t remember her name

2. I believe that we all have gifts and it is out purpose in life to share those gifts with others

3. I think I would be a beautiful pregnant woman and I have offered my womb and eggs to friends who fear that they won’t be able to conceive

4. I almost went to Cornell for undergrad and would have majored in Hospitality Management.  I still want to own my own restaurant

5. I’m not an athlete at all, but I like to be active.  I’ve taken (and loved) jujitsu and muy thai kickboxing, I used to teach aerobics (Step, Kickboxing, and Core), I’ve tried to be a runner, and I’m currently tackling swimming

6. My dad used to call me the absent minded professor when I was a child. The moniker still applies.

They share their secrets, their fears, their problems, their triumphs and happy times. They are each other’s person.

What does it mean-this notion of being someone’s person?

It means that everyone needs someone that they trust completely.  Everyone needs someone that they can tell anything to, that they can be totally completely their most authentic self. Everyone needs someone who they know will love and respect and not judge them no matter what.

It is so hard to find someone like that. We wear so many masks every day that preclude us from finding our person. We share pieces of ourselves with others but we rarely trust, even our friends, enough to completely let our hair down enough and let all our foolishness hang all out.

I had a conversation with a friend about the guy with which she is having an affair. I asked her why she continues to do it, even when she knows that it is a completely bad decision. Her answer was that she couldn’t stop herself because he was her person. He was the one person who knew her completely.  He was the one person that she connected with on all levels.

I was so happy for her, that she found this person and has them in her life. (Even though she was in tears because she wants to break it off).  And I must admit that I was more than a little bit jealous.  Not because of her specific relationship, but because of the deepness of the connection between them.

My relationship with the gf is still new and since our relationship is mostly conducted via telephone we haven’t had much of a chance to forge that connection.  And still I swear we share a brain. Countless times we damn near say the same thing to each other at the same time. We crave the same food at the same time. I’ll text message her and get one from her at the same time. Last week we had a conversation where we realize that most days of the week, we share a brain. And I told her – I wish I had my own brain, but since I have to share one, I’m glad to share one with her.  She laughed and dared me to write about it in a blog. To which I replied…. Already writing it down.

I know that these are fairly superficial examples, but they still make me smile. I’ve never been as open and honest and authentic (with myself or anyone else) as I am with her.  And I’m constantly pushing myself to shed my masks and stop filtering my words and let all my foolishness hang out. And I remind myself to trust her to love and respect and not judge me.  Ultimately, I know that it is up to me to let her in. And I want to let her in.

Why? Because I think she could be my person. And I don’t want to miss out on that.