I’m surrounded by amazing women.  Ambitious, smart, beautiful, I-can-take-over-the-world women.  More often than not, these women are partnered with the wimpiest, honey-can-I hold-your-purse, AVERAGE men ever.  And I don’t understand how these relationships work.

Disclaimer: I’m not saying this as a lesbian that feels that all strong women would be better with a woman; I don’t think that’s true.  I’m just saying that life partners should be well and equally matched (my mom would say equally yoked).

Several of my female married or nearly married friends now that when they decide to have families, they will continue to be the breadwinners and their husbands will be stay at home dads.  I also have a few male friends who can’t wait for their wives to pop out some babies so that they (the husbands) have an excuse to stay home and play house.

Disclaimer: I’m not knocking the stay at home dad (well, maybe a little). I guess it’s ok that men my age are evolved enough (or shrewd enough) to see the economic potential in their mates and support their careers.  Similar to the way one of my college girlfriends supported the promiscuity of her roommate and pawned her off on football players with Lincoln Navigators and Cadillac Escalades.  Needless to say, I think it’s underhanded. But that’s neither here nor there.

Since about age 16, I’ve considered what I wanted in a mate.  I knew I didn’t want my mother’s life. God bless her, she is the best mommy ever, but I knew that motherhood, kids, and domesticity were not for me. When I started dating in high school I considered boys based on their athletics, their looks, their family life, and whether not they would (or could) support the lifestyle of a national politician. You see, even in HS I had every intention of being, Monica Carol Evans, President of the United States (it is even on my vision board) and I needed a First Husband that wouldn’t embarrass me and would support my ambitions.

When I think back to the boys I’ve dated I must say that in many ways, I dated boys that turned into the men that the very ambitious women that I associate with on a daily basis have married.

Then I think about the GF.  There is nothing average or wimpy or subservient about her.  She matches my ambition and passion on every level.  If either of us turned into a new virgin mary right now and birthed an alien baby we would have to play “paper, rock, scissors” to decide who would be stuck with it.

Disclaimer: Nah, just playing, we’ve already decided. I’d be responsible for the baby while it was little and vulnerable. When it learned to talk, I’d pass it to her, and she would be responsible for it until it turns 14.  At 14, we’d have joint responsibility and teach it to be an adult.

But seriously, I don’t try ANY of the stupid sh!t on her that I tried on past boyfriends. There is no “steamrolling” or cuckolding the GF.  She is my equal partner is ways that I have never experienced.  As smart, passionate, ambitious ladies, we each have career goals that are very important to us. At important junctions in our relationship we share and remind each other of our personal and professional goals, and completely cheerlead for each other. 

Recently I met an older woman who is very much who I want to be in 15 years. Her career path is amazing; her work experience is crisscrossed with policy, lobbying, and politics gigs. She is doing or has done lots of work that is currently on my career to-do list.  In a recent conversation, it took us 45 minutes to hashed out how I’m to start my consulting business, she gave me a list of possible projects AND she invited me to work on her next political campaign (I think it’s her third successful one).  Then she told me her 5 year plan (which is phenomenal and crazy and BUSY) and while she’s telling me, basically, how she’s taking over North Carolina politics, I couldn’t help wondering, “What the hell does her husband do? And what does he think about her plans?”  I don’t know her well enough yet to ask her those questions. Honestly I’m not even positive that she’s married, which, in my book, would make perfect sense. It takes a strong and secure man to handle a strong, career-minded female. (and they are in SHORT supply, these days.)

What kind of husband (or wife) does a really ambitious and motivated woman need?  She needs someone who is self-assured, secure, and smart for sure.  But I always get hung up on supportive. 

Can a partner who is equally ambitious really support a mate whose ambition may be pulling them in a different direction? For a relationship to be successful, someone has to be willing to compromise, and potentially forsake themselves to preserve it.  I have two friends left great jobs and moved (joblessly) ACROSS the country for their mates. I thought they were crazily romantic and I wish them the best.

I wonder to myself, would I be willing to do that? Last summer in Atlanta would suggest that I would move to be with my partner, but I’m a nomad by nature and was curious about the big city. But what if I was settled and the GF needed to move away to pursue an opportunity, would I be so quick to follow her? How quickly would she be willing to move for me? Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.  We’ve even had conversations about what would happen if only one of us gets a job soon in San Francisco.   

Does a wimpy, but dedicated mate make it easier for an ambitious woman to be successful?  I wonder if the formula that my girlfriends and their husbands are using (daddy daycare) really means that they will be able to fully concentrate on their careers while hubbie takes care of the house and kids? I’m skeptical. Can the working woman depend on her trailing spouse? 

How the hell do people make marriages work long-term?

50% of marriages work, so some people have figured out an arrangement that works for them.  I wonder if those are the relationships with a clear dominant and a clear submissive partner or if those are the marriages that are truly equal?  

What makes a relationship equal?

Elysa at GenPink had a recent post titled “Do you call yourself a feminist?”.  In this post, Elysa summarized a discussion that happened on 20-something bloggers about what feminism means and whether 20-somethings still identify with feminism. 

Reading her post reminded me of an ongoing discussion I’ve been having with a group of my friends.  At least one of us REFUSES to call herself a feminist because she’s seen too many gung-ho feminists become uber career-minded until they find a man to take care of them, then all the feminist stuff is thrown out the window.  

While I do call myself a feminist, I often feel the same way.  In college at Salem, from day one as a freshman I was bombarded with the idea that women could do and be anything.  These girls were amazing. When I moved in as a freshman, my dad was prepared to move all my stuff into the dorm room, but little did he know that Salem girls move their own sh*t. He barely lifted a finger and my car was unpacked in no time. 

Over the years, I remember being jealous of (or maybe having crushes on???)some of the girls who seemed to have it all.  There were girls at Salem who were smart, pretty, and seemed to have amazingly bright futures. I couldn’t wait to see the greatness that they would accomplish. 

 One or two years after graduation, I would be excited to read Salem’s alumni magazine to see what the girls were up to. They didn’t disappoint me; United Nations, Capitol Hill, medical school, law school, PhD programs, and adventures is South America, Africa and Europe were often the updates I would read about my Salem sisters. I’ve even seen some of my Salem friends on TV and the NYT. How cool is that? 

Then those updates started to change. For the past few years, the updates I receive are more likely to be about who got married, who’s pregnant, who’s had kid number 1, 2 or 3. And even worse?  Those girls who dated girls all through college who are now married to men and being  f*cking housewives!  These updates piss me off. If the most important thing that is happening to you is your marriage or kids, I really don’t care to know. 

Hmmmm. That didn’t come out exactly how I meant. 

I understand the importance of having a partner in life.  I write a lot about relationships, and my relationship in particular; it is a huge part of my life.  I understand that building a family is important so many people. And I love to rejoice in the joys of my friends. But come on. Did some of the smartest people I know quit their careers to stay home with the kids? I hate to see women give up their hopes, dreams and accomplishments for the husband and kids.  

One of my best friends, who has a really different fairytale than me about where she wants her life to go and also considers herself a feminist, once explained to me that her focus on being married and having kids wasn’t any less feminist than my ball-busting, take the world by storm dream.  She said that feminism isn’t about having a career at the expense of family and husband (or vice versa).  Feminism is about having the choice. I still hate that she’s going to forego her potential brilliance to give birth, but I can dig her argument. 

So I’m thankful to feminists, even those who have turned their backs on the cause. Your struggles make my life possible.   

What does feminism mean to you?  Can one be a house wife and still call herself a feminist?  Do you know women who have turned their back on feminism, and embraced the married with kids life?

How do you married, career ladies keep it all together?

I was listening to the radio this morning, and apparently today August 26, 1920 was the date in history on which women got the right to vote. Yay for voting!!!! (you should try it) The radio talk show host talked for a bit about the numbers of women who vote, and according to them, women vote more than men do. Then they started talking about the very small number of black women who run and are elected to office. As they were talking, I kept thinking that, in my experience, the numbers of women, in general, who run for public office are very, very low, especially in relation to the large numbers in which women vote.

I, at 24 and 25 have been asked by my county political party to attend candidate trainings so that I can go ahead and be in the pipeline to run in the future. I know numerous other women in North Carolina who have been asked to run for higher office; be it on a city or county level, or on a state or national level. And I know that these women refuse time and time again.  And often, when an older women wants to retire from office, there aren’t any qualified women to take her place, and that’s sad.

Sometimes women refuse to run for monetary reasons, they work and can’t afford to quit or they can’t afford childcare, or sometimes they simply can’t afford the campaign. Sometimes potential female candidates site the stress of the campaign trail, or the ugliness of campaigning. Sometimes, potential candidates don’t want to put their life under the public’s microscope.

However, the excuse that I have heard most often for why women don’t run for office is that they don’t want to take the time away from their families.  And every time I hear that, I roll my eyes and shake my head.  I HATE this excuse.  How often do men worry about being away from their families when working or bettering themselves?  I’d bet that generally men don’t worry very much about being away from their families. Men understand that the better they are, the better their families are.  And I get frustrated that women continue to put themselves in the back seat and allow men to take the drivers seat in politics and determine all of our destinies.