Life in the Middle Lane

Earlier this week, I got a text message from a friend asking me to come over and help her get dressed for a date.  We’re adults, you say. Why did she need my help, you ask?

This wasn’t just a date. This was THE date. This was the first date since she left her asshole, cheating, going to hell in a hand basket, bastard of a boyfriend.

 (Can you tell how much I hate him.  Full disclosure: I hated him from the moment I laid eyes on him 7+ years ago and I told her so. I am a great judge of character, btw.  ) But I digress. 

Back to the story.

She’s out of practice, a little unsure of herself, and in need of someone to take charge of the preliminaries. Like the super, awesome, best friend that I am (patting self on the back) I went over to her bachelorette pad to oversee the process (I am an MPA). 

It was my job to pick out the outfit, the jewelry, etc.  Most importantly, it was my job to dispense with the wise sage advice, tell her how awesome she is, tell her that there are no f-ing rules for dating; and she should have sex if she wants to, provide general moral support, and be the mother hen.

(That’s my role, its what I do.) And I rock at it!

This proves that I can do anything. (employers, take note).

I am not a dating expert. In fact, I know next to nothing about dating. I have been on exactly one date in my entire life. (or maybe two if I’m feeling generous).

I’m going to tell you about my one and only date.

This is some funny *ish. (At least in my mind, anyway)

While in college I worked at a fine dining restaurant. (Thanks, R, for getting me the job) It was an awesome restaurant, and a really good place to meet all kinds of wealthly and/or business people. (my favorite kind of people).

As a hostess, it was my job to be beautiful, flirt, and make sure that when people sat down to eat, they did it with a smile, even if they had to wait 2 hours for a table. I was an excellent hostess.  Customers loved me, I could make even the most stuck in the mud grin.

Anywho, one night we weren’t very busy and this rather random guy starts up a conversation with me at the hostess stand (where were my fellow hosti to bail me out?!?!?!) Somehow the conversation turns to seafood- and at the time, I had never eaten lobster (give me a break- I was 19, from the country, and the extent of my seafood education was fried fish, shrimp cocktail, and jambalaya).

Anyway, this guy is going on and on about how he wants to introduce me to lobster. And I am totally game. He was pretty cute, could hold a conversation, and seemed just a little dangerous. So I give him my number.   

We plan to go on date.  The day of, I was really nervous. I had never been on a date before. Don’t get me wrong, I had gone out, a lot. But all my previous boyfriends had been guys that I knew from school, and there was always a courting period where dates consisted of the guys coming to my mama’s house and sitting and chatting. (I heart my over-protective mother)

So dating those guys didn’t count. They weren’t new. There was no pressure.

But going out with this guy was different. I didn’t know him. There was tremendous pressure to be pretty, to be a conversationalist, to not appear to be a country bumpkin. So I was, understandably, nervous.

A friend, bless her heart, made sure that I looked appropriately sexy, not slutty, made sure that I looked like an adult- not a teenager, calmed my nerves, and sent me on my way.

Guess where this man, this special man who wanted to introduce me to lobster, took me for our date?

Red F*cking Lobster. I kid you not! I giggled (in my head) when he told me.

This man had the total inability to let a woman (any woman) walk by without trying to make eye contact.  I don’t remember any of the dinner conversation probably because I wasn’t listening. I was having an inner-monologue about how the hell was I going to get out of this date.

But I haven’t even gotten to the good part yet.

He asked me to pay for half. The f*cker. And because my mother, just before this date told me to be prepared to pay, God, love that woman, I had the cash to contribute.

Then we leave Red Lobster, and go to my restaurant. He also wants to teach me how to smoke a cigar, and my restaurant has a cigar lounge.  So we go, and the night gets better, mainly because my people are all there and I have an audience while I (unsuccessful) smoked a cigar and drank scotch. (Remember that I’m nineteen, right, all my co-workers conveniently forgot this fact.)

Afterwards, we go to Barnes and Noble (the most randomest date ever, I know) for coffee. He, so gentlemanly now, pays for my latte. And we have a discussion about American vs. European cars. Speed, turning radiuses, handling, etc. (more stimulating that one may think, I love cars.)

I want to beg off at this point, but he wants to see my dorm room. (hee, hee) I sneak him in, and let him know up front that my room is a mess. I was getting over a cold, and the tissues that I would use in my bed would find themselves all over the room, where they stayed. I was too busy to clean them up, and I lived alone, so I didn’t care.

He took one look at my room, asked for a broom and a vacuum, and preceded to clean my entire room.  He made the beds, swept under the beds, threw out my dirty tissues and other trash, organized my books and papers, vacuumed and washed my dirty dishes.  

I told him he was awesome, gave him a hug, told him I was sleepy and sent him on his way.

I found out the next day that he didn’t pay for the scotch at my restaurant, and I had to pay for it. The f*cker.

The funniest part? That actually wasn’t the last time I saw this guy. And all the stories are as mind-boggling as this one. Why did I continue to see him?

He was entertainment. And I was bored.

Hope you’re laughing. Happy Friday!

My sister Michaele is really the smartest person I know, and I know some really smart people. She’s going to college this fall and I’m so excited and really really sad.  Who’s going to play with me while she’s at college?!?!?

This chick applied to some of the most prestigious historically black universities and colleges in the country and purposefully stuck her nose up at and refused to apply to a couple of really good North Carolina “white” schools and my alma mater because as she said matter of factly, “she had no intention of going.” LOL! I know, ballsy, right?

She applied to Spelman College (accepted), Hampton University (accepted), Howard University (accepted), unfortunately financial aid for an out-of-state student at a private university is hard to come by. For some reason, being single mother of four, working as a school bus driver and teacher (where you get paid crap), does not qualify a student for the necessary loans, grants, etc to attend anything other than a public university. And even with a 4.0+ GPA, a host of clubs, service ventures, and other smart kid honors.

Well, Michaele got some local scholarships from different organizations and societies (totaling a substantial amount of money) but she still didn’t get enough to cover the cost of tuition for the first year, and FAFSA said that my mom and sister (yes, my 18 year old sister) should be able to contribute roughly $1500 and 1000 respectively.

Michaele works as a pharmacy tech at our local Kerr Drug, but she makes enough for gas, her phone, and the occasional shopping trip. Not enough to quickly come up with a G, and the same with my mom, I mean WTF?  Seriously, are they to go out back to the money tree in the back yard and shake something down.

So my mom and I have been worrying ourselves silly about how in the world were we going to pay for this girl to go to college. I mean, to me, the best case scenario was that we would get her through this first year by hook or crook, and she would then transfer to one of those in-state schools that she had previously stuck her nose up at.

Silly me for worrying. While my mom and I would sit for hours and think of ways to pay for Michaele’s schooling, this chick would go to the mall with her friends. She had the right idea and some outstanding faith, man.

This past Tuesday I got a call from Miss Thang and she reads me this letter from this organization that I’ve never heard of. They are basically paying for her entire undergraduate education!  In return she gets to do community service (which she would have done anyway), network with other students, live in the honors dorm, have summer employment opportunities, national & international travel opportunities, conferences, etc!

I am so excited and she is even more excited!  To her, this opportunity is a way to pay for school, but it is also a way to meet students, network with potential employers, differentiate herself on campus and leave her mark on the community (in her own words).  How cool is that!

Yay for me not to have to be a stripper to send my little sister to college!!!!!!

Dear Baby Sister,

Don’t repeat my mistakes.

My baby sister is on her way to college, and I hope that she has observed and listened to me talking about my missteps and my triumphs and has learned from them. But just in case, here’s a top ten list of the most memorable.

1. Have a job while in high school.

I started out working at one of the local grocery stores while I was a high school junior. The summer before my senior year I started working at a local government office. That year I worked two jobs while taking AP and Honors classes, but it wasn’t that big a deal since school wasn’t that hard.

It is so important for students to have some work experience before entering college. It teaches responsibility, true, but more importantly, it gives the student an idea of the kind of work environment and work they like (or not).

From the grocery store I learned that I like working around other people, and that I am good with customers and that work doesn’t feel so much like work if I have people to talk to.

From the local government agency, I learned that I can do basic office work with my eyes closed and that I like knowing what’s going on in my local community.

Lil’ sis is all good on this front. She worked with me in a restaurant 3 summers ago, realized she didn’t like working in a fancy restaurant and found her niche working in a pharmacy. (She knows soooo many people and all the drugs they are on, lol).

2. Be active in the school community

On this I don’t have to worry about baby sis. She’s a much better student and her extracurricular are way better than mine. I thought I was doing good to be in the National Classical League and French Clubs, the African-American Club and on staff of the yearbook and copy editor of the school newspaper. I was in clubs to meet people, socialize and get out of class.

This chick, (my sister) is in clubs because she’s smarter than mostly everyone in her school, which is why she is 26^th in a class of 236. (I taught her how to read, so I can brag a bit)

She’s in the African American Club (most of the black kids and some of the white ones, lol, were in it), Beta Club (that’s just for smart people), and the National Achievers Society (also just for smart people).

High school extracurricular activities I taught me how to work with others. I learned that I work best under strict deadlines; I learned that I’m not the strongest writer, but I can edit the hell out of other people’s work, and I learned that doing good in the community can and should be fun (thank you Ms. Murray and the shenanigans of the OHS JCL)

3. Pick a college that based on what it can give you.

I picked my college because I fell in love with it almost immediately upon arriving on campus. I loved the campus, the people, and the awesome girl power that was everywhere.

No one was able to provide me with a reasonable argument for choosing another school, but someone should have.

I chose my school with my heart and not my brain. This was a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I loved lots of things about my school, but it wasn’t the most challenging academic environment. Granted, I wasn’t the most focused student, either.

4. Take advantage of college’s opportunities.

I did take classes at a neighboring larger university; I needed to get out of the cloistered walls of my tiny school. I didn’t make the best grades in those classes, but I loved every minute and I worked damn hard for that B and C.

At tiny college, I didn’t work very hard to secure the best internships, and I should have. I missed building a network that could have been helpful for me after college.

No one taught us about grants and fellowships that could have paid for study abroad. I didn’t think that I could afford to go, I didn’t do my own financial research into what funds were available and in the end, I didn’t go. I will regret that forever, even if I travel extensively as an adult.

But I did try to run track one year, now I know that I’ll never be an Olympic sprinter, but it was fun even though I thought my legs would fall off.

In college, I really only did enough to get by, and that was a mistake.

5. Work off-campus while in college.

My first and second years of college, I worked on-campus in a variety of offices from an academy dean to the athletic department. I came and went to work as I pleased, but usually I just hung out in my dorm room pretending to study.

That all changed when I got a job off-campus in a restaurant. Taking harder classes and working off-campus kind of happened at the same time. So I had to manage my time; get my school work done, work 20+ hours a week and have time for my active social life. I thrived under the pressure.

I truly believe that working off-campus made me a better student on-campus. And I further developed and improved my “soft” skills. I loved that job (most days) for three years.

6. Try everything.

I mean classes, not drugs, lol. You are in school to learn, so don’t get suckered into concentrating on just your major classes.

I took a lot of classes, mainly because I changed my major a lot. And the major that I did pick, I found by accident.

But I didn’t take any Women’s Studies classes; I had a complex or I was in denial or something I missed out though; I think I would have enjoyed learning about women. Hee, hee.

Lesson here is: You never know what you might like until you try. So try a lot and don’t make assumptions.

7. Stay in touch with your friends.

Your college friends are your last friends. I know that sucks, but it’s hard to find the time to make friends as an adult. After college I missed the hell out of my friends and I have spent many hours over the past few years finding and reconnecting with old friends from college. Luckily, I’ve found some of them.

In the adult world, I worked with people my parents’ age. It’s hard to party like a rockstar with your boss, although I have tried. Your college friends can be your salvation.

8. Learn how to network…soon.

After college, I worked a crap job for a year, and then I was unemployed for a month because I didn’t know how to network. Asking for help, asking for a referral, asking for an interview is not begging, it’s networking, learn how, now.

The year I worked a worked a crap job, I told an alumna from my school that I was coming to DC for an interview, and I didn’t have anywhere to stay. She let me sleep on her couch and she introduced me around Capitol Hill. I didn’t get the job, but I learned about people power, and the importance of networking.

9. Don’t be afraid to transfer to a different school.

I should have transferred. By the end of the first semester of the first year, I knew that my college wasn’t what I needed, but I waited until I had a couple of really horrible grades before I seriously considered leaving and by then it was too late.

My school laid the foundation that I needed, but I could have gotten an education better suited for me somewhere else.

10. Pay attention to life off-campus

In my hometown, there is a very large university and not too far down the road, there is another huge university. The students that go to these two schools and some of the professors and administration of these schools never leave the city limits. What a shame.

It is amazing to me that these schools recruit world-wide, they send thousands of kids abroad, their professors present at conferences everywhere, but many of them don’t know who their local government officials are and they don’t vote?!?!??!? That’s insanity.

The world starts outside your front door, so soak in everything from your local community to your global community. The WHOLE world is your oyster, don’t overlook any of it.

I hated the town where my college was, but I knew that city from the ghetto to the high rises. My friends and I explored every inch of it, we still hated it but we understood exactly why.

That town wasn’t all bad, that town had its good parts, and we found them all, lol. We went to gallery-hops and pub crawls and football games and regional fairs, we rode the drunken party bus wherever it took us. We visited other colleges, we traveled up and down the east coast. Road trip was my middle name.

My college experience was so much fun, but in retrospect, I totally wasted it. I hope my baby sis doesn’t do the same. I hope I’ve taught her well.