I wouldn’t necessarily call myself an athlete, but I dabble in sports when I can.  A few years ago I decided to be a runner. I found a group to train with, and started running. We trained from February to June, starting with 30 second run/ 1minute walk, increasing to 1 min run/walk, 2 min run/ 1 minute walk, etc. At first it was relativity easy, and unexpectedly I even found myself running in the front of the pack. As I looked ahead at the training schedule, I tried to predict when I would give up. I figured that somewhere around the 7 minute long run I would die of a heart attack. Again, unexpectedly, I completed the 5 minute run- no problem, 6 minute run- no problem, 7 minute run –no problem, 8 minute- no problem. You get the point. I completed the WHOLE program. I ran a 5k. No sweat.

I mean, I sweated a lot, but I didn’t die like I thought I would.

When I was in college I found a cheap gym that taught ju jit su and muy tai kickboxing. I’ve always been fascinated by martial arts, so I decided to give them a shot. It was love from the beginning.  At the beginning of each lesson, we ran through a series of drills to practice basic moves. Then we would move into learning something new. The majority of each lesson was spent “sparring”.  The whole class would pair up and go at it. (I’ve fought hundred pound ladies, three hundred pound men, and ultimate fighting contestants). I learned quickly that the longer I trained the better I’d be. I’m sure you are thinking, duh, of course training improves skills, but what I mean is, training and improving in martial arts skills has a lot to do with muscle memory.  If I thought about what move to do next, I often would find myself pinned.  But if I let my body take over and do what it remembered from the lessons, I was much more likely to win a match.

I trained in ju jit su and kickboxing for a year, then I moved away and I couldn’t find another cheap gym to train in. I looked into other gyms and even went to a couple of “free” classes. A year or two later, my body still remembered how to protect itself.

And I don’t even have to remind you of my swimming adventure! At first, I thought I would die every time I got into the water.  Over the course of just a few months, I learned to swim on my back and my stomach. Now, in Atlanta, with no money and no pool, I miss the water.  I can’t wait till I get settled in, join a Y and get back to swimming.

Oh, and by the way, when I set a goal for my body, I ALWAYS lose weight. But I don’t even care because when I get into an activity it quickly stops being about losing weight and starts being about having fun and learning a new talent.

This has been a tremendously stressful year with writing the capstone, graduating from school, and looking for my next step.  Every time I’ve gotten bogged down or discouraged about finishing my thesis or this stupid job search the GF sends me a text message reminding me that I ran a 5k (I was training when we met), that I learned to swim (swimming is a goal of her’s too)… and reminds me I should tap into that that same tenacity and control and endurance and persistence to overcome whatever other obstacles (not having a job or having an insane thesis committee or starting a business).

It’s hard, but I’m starting to get the picture. She’s right. If I can control my body enough to do the athletic stuff I’ve done with it, and have the persistence and endurance to keep training even when it hurts or is inconvenient and meet my physical goals (with sweat, no blood or tears) then I should at least display the same persistence and endurance, and most of all, patience when “running after” my professional and personal goals.

I got off the train on Thursday, and found myself in the cleanest MARTA station I’ve ever seen. The platform didn’t smell like pee or filth. The escalators were all working. I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to go, I looked wildly at the wayfinding signs, and randomly picked, and went up the escalator. At the top, I found myself at a security checkpoint in a Georgia State Building.  I quickly found out I was in the wrong place, and made my way outside.

Outside the building, I looked up into the sky and the first thing I saw was shiny, golden dome of the Georgia State Capitol.  Immediately I was taken back.  I was probably in the third grade, and my class went on a field trip to another state capitol. It was beautiful. All I remember is that the seats and carpets were deep burgundy and sooooo soft. The dome (are domes required on capitol buildings?) was stately, but opulent, with different colored glass and gold filigree.  I remember our tour guide telling us that the building was newly renovated. I was starstruck. I remember thinking—I wanna work in a place that’s this cool when I grow up.

Then I was taken to another time. I was 22 and driving to DC.  It wasn’t my first trip to DC, but this trip was special. I was in town for an interview, it was the middle of the worst year of my life, and it was my first trip to DC by myself as an adult.  I was on the interstate, and I remember looking over the city. It was so pretty and glittery and POWERFUL!! I fell in love with DC immediately, and I fall more in love every time I’m there.

I was so excited and I couldn’t hold it in. I just hooped and hollered and did a jig in the car. It was so exciting. I had to call my friends and scream “I’M IN DC!!!!!” And because my friends are awesome, they yelled along with me.

All of a sudden, I’m snapped back to all the times over the past two years in MPA school where I’ve emphatically declared that under no circumstances would I consider a job in state government. ‘It’s a bureaucracy!’, I’d say. ‘Nothing ever gets done there!’, I’d say. ‘It’s too big!”, I’d say.

But there I was, about to walk into that big domed building. I just shook my head. I whispered under my breath, “Never say never.”

Alternate Title: What happened on my California interviews.

A few weeks ago, I received an offer for an interview in Hayward, California for a Deputy City Clerk position. In a good economy, I wouldn’t have even considered the position. (I’ve worked in a City Clerk’s office before, and I know that being a Clerk is not what I want to be when I grow up).  However, this is not a good economy, and times are hard, and I was just excited to get an interview.  During the same timeframe, I applied for a couple of other jobs that I was REALLY excited about (San Jose Downtown Association and the Silicon Valley Leadership Alliance). Since I had to spend almost $400 dollars on a plane ticket (regardless of whether I spent 2 days or 10 days), I decided that I should maximize my time and request interviews with the other organizations, and meet as many people as possible.

The City of Hayward uses a two interview process.  I had an initial panel interview with Clerks from other Bay Area jurisdictions.  The purpose of the interview was to see if I had the basic skills and temperament to be a Deputy Clerk, i.e. they ranked applicants in terms of general “clerk” ability.  I came in third, which granted me a second interview. The second interview was with the City Clerk and the City Attorney.  It was….meh. They didn’t ask me anything I wasn’t expecting, and I answered their questions quickly and thoroughly. The City Clerk was young, and it was great to see someone her age (early 30’s) at the top of her field.

The interesting thing about the Hayward interviews?  The questions were so generic. The panel interview was harder because a) there were three people to make eye contact with and b) their questions were harder and more scenarios based. The second interview felt like a recap of the first interview, and some of the questions were legal questions. (Hello! I decided NOT to go to law school remember) And the City Attorney asked me what I hoped to do with a Philosophy degree. I had to keep my composure, and say very sweetly,

I can do anything I want to with a Philosophy Degree. Studying Philosophy teaches one to think logically and solve problems.

To which he grunted.

In short, I’m not crazy about the position, but it would be a promotion from my last job before graduate school and it would get me to the West Coast (which is the goal). *shrugging*

I am way more excited about the other two jobs that I interviewed for.  The Silicon Valley Leadership Alliance is an amazing organization, and I was very excited that they were willing to interview me on short notice.  In the advertised position, I would be analyzing policy and managing the Directors of Environmental Policy and Energy Policy.  The Directors (who interviewed me) were so awesome. I had a great chemistry with them; the interview was very easy and relaxed. They didn’t ask the generic questions [they had great questions]. We had things in common, I loved them.  The job was SO ME.

Two problems: They told me,

While we think you’re great and capable and intelligent, and would be great in this job, there are 15 other people in the stack that are just like you.

Ouch. And they have a 3 part interview process, which means I would need to fly out to California twice more. Their timeframe for hiring someone is August, so I send them nice emails every once in a while so they don’t forget me….[If you are reading, guys, please hire me]

Interview Three was with the San Jose Downtown Partnership. It wasn’t a “real” interview; we met at the local Starbucks. I asked that hiring manager to meet with me while I was in town.  We agreed that a real interview could happen later on the phone. I just wanted her to have my face (and my body language) to go with my resume.   While I know that I am capable of being a great Event Coordinator (the position that I’m interviewing for), this is a case of right organization, wrong position. Working for a Downtown Development Agency is one of my dream jobs, but I always saw myself in a policy, analytical, or government or client relations role. I think the Event Coordinator gig would be a lot of fun and I think I would learn a lot.  But the hiring manager thinks I’m over qualified and won’t last long.  I tried to reassure her, but I don’t know if I convinced her.

If I had to rank these jobs in order of my preference, I’d choose 1) Silicon Valley Leadership Alliance, 2) San Jose Downtown Association 3) City of Hayward.

I believe that the best way to get a job is to be you in an interview. If interviewers don’t like the me that they see in the interview, then they aren’t going to like me in the position.  Even when I’m not offered the position, often interviewers still tell me that they get “good feelings” about me or that I have a good aura or that I’m likeable)   I feel as confident as I can about these interviews, knowing that I showed them my best self.

Over the past few days I’ve realized that I’m back on my “depression sleep cycle”.  Bed after midnight, sleep til 10am.  Yawn all day….eat junk….mope around.

During the hours when I am, what passes for awake, I trudge from restaurant to restaurant from temp agency to temp agency putting on my happy face, and telling them all why I would be just AWESOME as a hostess, bartender, server, administrative assistant, call center rep……and all I REALLY want to do is cry.

This is not my life.  At least, this is not the life I wanted/dreamed of/expected.  I mean, when I finish writing this post, I’m going down to the local CVS to apply for a job as a cashier.

And to think. I actually WENT to college. TWICE.

At night when I’m waiting (usually in vain) for my eyes to close and sleep to overtake me, I run through my mind all the people I need to email, all the staffing companies I still need to get to, all the cute little restaurants that I should drop by, and ask the Universe, God, whatever you want to call the higher being that keeps the world turning…… When will it end? When will I hit rock bottom?

I am beginning to believe that it is only when I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown, all my optimism is gone, and I have no other options that whatever breakthrough I’m supposed to have will happen.  I’ll have a moment of clarity, and the path I’m supposed to take will be clear, and I’l stop feeling like a fish out of water.

And I think it’s close.

Looking for a job is a lonely experience.  Looking for a job in a brand new city across the country is an extremely lonely experience. With all the time I spend applying for jobs, I’ve largely ignored the rest of my life.  The constant worry and rejection, coupled with the “so how’s the job search going?” questions leave me too sad, depressed and anxious to come out and be social.

This week I’m in the Bay Area for an interview. (YAY!)  But in spite of my super excitement about the opportunity and my confidence that I’ll get the job, I’m so sad out here. This is my second trip to the Bay.  On my first trip, I had so much fun.  It was equal parts networking extravaganza and vacation. This trip (because I’m newly poor and jobless) I can’t even afford a hotel or a rental car.  I’m staying with a friend of a friend who happens to live near a BART station (thank GOD).  I’m just starting to be comfortable traveling on the trains. However, I still haven’t ventured on the buses. I constantly worry that I’m overstaying my welcome and will come back to find my suitcase on the sidewalk.

Being out here, I spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes alone is just alone, but sometimes, most times, alone is a very lonely place.  I just wanna go home, drink straight out of my own milk carton and watch my tv in my underwear. (Except, I gave up my apartment, and am now living with my mom–boo).

Being in a new city, alone, is tough. Having to be ON and networking and interviewing in a new city is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  Today I was on a train and it hit me. I don’t want to do this by myself and I don’t want to be here by myself anymore.  I’m tired and I’m done.  I cannot do another trip out here like this. If I don’t get a job out of this trip, I think I’ll officially be at rock bottom.

It’s not that I am losing faith. It’s not that I don’t believe in myself. I believe in hard work, I believe in perseverance, I believe in a little bit of luck .  So I’m going BALLS OUT for the next three days. As hard as I’ve been working, all the leads that I’ve followed, all the time and effort I put in, and as big a hit that my credit card has taken (!!!) if nothing happens this week, I need to rethink my strategy.

You know that old saying, “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away….” I’m not walking away.  I’m going all in.

Wish me luck out here. It’s now or nothing.

Unemployment is the third worst feeling I’ve ever had. Loss, inadequacy, insecurity, anxiety; all rolled into one.  Sometimes I get so discouraged and disappointed that I briefly lose control of myself.  In those ‘out-of-control’ moments I often find myself glued to the computer almost randomly applying for all the jobs that I can even remotely consider myself qualified to do.

A few weeks ago, I was rambling to my life coach, Jenny Ferry, about how these ‘out-of-control’ moments are taking over my life, and sapping all my energy and motivation.  We talked about how applying for jobs through the Careerbuilder, Idealist, Monster.com sites doesn’t really work .

We talked about how overwhelmed I am by the fact that I am FREAKING UNEMPLOYED.  During the conversation with Jenny (and other members of my support network), I am reminded that I am a successful, resourceful, extraordinary person. One day (soon I hope) my perseverance is going to pay off. I’ve done more networking, informational interviews, referral calls and emails in the past 6 months than I have in my entire life.   Some good must come from this, right?

I understand that our struggles and obstacles make us stronger and in situations like this, I need to keep on swimming, but I’m so tired of failing. I need something good to happen soon. In the meantime, I’ll try to keep control of myself and channel my energy into making more phone calls and sending more email to real people, not the robots behind the job boards.

Everyone must know something about me that I am currently unaware of.  For the past year I’ve had co-workers, professors, counselors, friends, mentors, Jenny, new people that I’ve met and the GF all tell me the same thing. 

Monica, you’re awesome and successful. 

Every time someone tells me that I’m going to be fine and I should stop worrying about not finding a job, part of me doesn’t believe them (even thought I really want to believe them). I’ve worked crazy hard over the past year. I’ve been networking my ass, applying for lots and lots of jobs, going on informational interviews, going to professional conferences, tweaking my resume, building a new website all working towards getting a fucking job. 

Unfortunately, I’m one among 100’s (I know, I harass HR managers) of new graduates, and older experienced displaced workers going after the same very limited job pool.  So my goal has changed, and I’m piecing together a couple of entrepreneurial ventures with my friends and classmates.  And I’m really excited about them.  But I’m rather scared shitless. 

When I tell folks about the consulting and the promotions and the party planning, they tend to get really excited. And the more excited they get the more scared I get. 

What if I fuck it up?  What if I’m not as awesome as everyone thinks I am? 

Tonight I finally asked the GF why she keeps telling me that I’m going to be fine.  She said the proof is in the pudding. Over and over, she said, she’s seen me make something out of nothing.  She’s seen me hustle.  

She said, 

I would trust you to make a great cake because I’ve seen you make cakes and I’ve tasted your cake in the past so I don’t worry about your capacity to make good cake in the future. 

I make good cake, huh? 

I giggled at her metaphors (all food related, since we’re dieting), but I think she’s on the money. 

I am a diva (which is the female version of a hustler).  I’m seriously not going to be left penniless, homeless and hungry. I have always had a plan.  And I bought a domain name just in case. I go through my school notes, and they are filled with business plans, and funding sources, and potential partners. And I built a beautiful vision board with all my goals on it, and you can’t go wrong with a vision board.  I’m thinking about tumblring my vision board so you guys can see. It’s SO awesome, and I love it. 

I’m still scared shitless, but I’m not letting my fear stop me from moving forward.  In fact, I think my fear propels me forward.  

When my mama says she’s praying and my bosses tell me I’m great, and I interview with managers who tell me that they wish they had the money to hire me (but they don’t and they can’t), and the GF tells me that she’s not riding my anxiety train…… 

I’m going to take a deep breath.  I’m going to smile.  I’m going to nod and agree with them.  Then I’m going to double time it with my business ventures so that I don’t let all these wonderful people down. 

How do you deal with fear and insecurity?

I’m surrounded by amazing women.  Ambitious, smart, beautiful, I-can-take-over-the-world women.  More often than not, these women are partnered with the wimpiest, honey-can-I hold-your-purse, AVERAGE men ever.  And I don’t understand how these relationships work.

Disclaimer: I’m not saying this as a lesbian that feels that all strong women would be better with a woman; I don’t think that’s true.  I’m just saying that life partners should be well and equally matched (my mom would say equally yoked).

Several of my female married or nearly married friends now that when they decide to have families, they will continue to be the breadwinners and their husbands will be stay at home dads.  I also have a few male friends who can’t wait for their wives to pop out some babies so that they (the husbands) have an excuse to stay home and play house.

Disclaimer: I’m not knocking the stay at home dad (well, maybe a little). I guess it’s ok that men my age are evolved enough (or shrewd enough) to see the economic potential in their mates and support their careers.  Similar to the way one of my college girlfriends supported the promiscuity of her roommate and pawned her off on football players with Lincoln Navigators and Cadillac Escalades.  Needless to say, I think it’s underhanded. But that’s neither here nor there.

Since about age 16, I’ve considered what I wanted in a mate.  I knew I didn’t want my mother’s life. God bless her, she is the best mommy ever, but I knew that motherhood, kids, and domesticity were not for me. When I started dating in high school I considered boys based on their athletics, their looks, their family life, and whether not they would (or could) support the lifestyle of a national politician. You see, even in HS I had every intention of being, Monica Carol Evans, President of the United States (it is even on my vision board) and I needed a First Husband that wouldn’t embarrass me and would support my ambitions.

When I think back to the boys I’ve dated I must say that in many ways, I dated boys that turned into the men that the very ambitious women that I associate with on a daily basis have married.

Then I think about the GF.  There is nothing average or wimpy or subservient about her.  She matches my ambition and passion on every level.  If either of us turned into a new virgin mary right now and birthed an alien baby we would have to play “paper, rock, scissors” to decide who would be stuck with it.

Disclaimer: Nah, just playing, we’ve already decided. I’d be responsible for the baby while it was little and vulnerable. When it learned to talk, I’d pass it to her, and she would be responsible for it until it turns 14.  At 14, we’d have joint responsibility and teach it to be an adult.

But seriously, I don’t try ANY of the stupid sh!t on her that I tried on past boyfriends. There is no “steamrolling” or cuckolding the GF.  She is my equal partner is ways that I have never experienced.  As smart, passionate, ambitious ladies, we each have career goals that are very important to us. At important junctions in our relationship we share and remind each other of our personal and professional goals, and completely cheerlead for each other. 

Recently I met an older woman who is very much who I want to be in 15 years. Her career path is amazing; her work experience is crisscrossed with policy, lobbying, and politics gigs. She is doing or has done lots of work that is currently on my career to-do list.  In a recent conversation, it took us 45 minutes to hashed out how I’m to start my consulting business, she gave me a list of possible projects AND she invited me to work on her next political campaign (I think it’s her third successful one).  Then she told me her 5 year plan (which is phenomenal and crazy and BUSY) and while she’s telling me, basically, how she’s taking over North Carolina politics, I couldn’t help wondering, “What the hell does her husband do? And what does he think about her plans?”  I don’t know her well enough yet to ask her those questions. Honestly I’m not even positive that she’s married, which, in my book, would make perfect sense. It takes a strong and secure man to handle a strong, career-minded female. (and they are in SHORT supply, these days.)

What kind of husband (or wife) does a really ambitious and motivated woman need?  She needs someone who is self-assured, secure, and smart for sure.  But I always get hung up on supportive. 

Can a partner who is equally ambitious really support a mate whose ambition may be pulling them in a different direction? For a relationship to be successful, someone has to be willing to compromise, and potentially forsake themselves to preserve it.  I have two friends left great jobs and moved (joblessly) ACROSS the country for their mates. I thought they were crazily romantic and I wish them the best.

I wonder to myself, would I be willing to do that? Last summer in Atlanta would suggest that I would move to be with my partner, but I’m a nomad by nature and was curious about the big city. But what if I was settled and the GF needed to move away to pursue an opportunity, would I be so quick to follow her? How quickly would she be willing to move for me? Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.  We’ve even had conversations about what would happen if only one of us gets a job soon in San Francisco.   

Does a wimpy, but dedicated mate make it easier for an ambitious woman to be successful?  I wonder if the formula that my girlfriends and their husbands are using (daddy daycare) really means that they will be able to fully concentrate on their careers while hubbie takes care of the house and kids? I’m skeptical. Can the working woman depend on her trailing spouse? 

How the hell do people make marriages work long-term?

50% of marriages work, so some people have figured out an arrangement that works for them.  I wonder if those are the relationships with a clear dominant and a clear submissive partner or if those are the marriages that are truly equal?  

What makes a relationship equal?

This economy is crappy.  It’s March and I don’t have a job yet.

This is not the way I envisioned my life 3 months before graduation.  I sincerely thought I would AT LEAST have some serious leads about jobs.

But nope, it’s like 2003 all over again. I’m graduating and there are no jobs to be had.

I came to graduate school to advance my career.  But instead, I feel like I’m going to be stuck in a job like the one I left, or worse, completely jobless. Both which would suck in so many ways.

And I can’t stop asking myself, “What was the point?” Don’t get me wrong. I have gotten so much from graduate school. The much needed friendships and the sense of purpose that I’ve forged over the past two years are priceless. But when I look at my job prospects, I think I may have slid down the career ladder, instead of skipping up a few notches.

If I can’t get ahead in my career, then MPA School was 2 years of fun on the playground.

I spend hours a day looking at job announcements, applying for jobs, and working on my network. Wanna know what I get for my trouble? A growing stack of rejection letters.

And today I overheard a professor saying that my class shouldn’t expect to have jobs by May.  She said that December was a more realistic goal.

WHAT?!?!

Who has the time, patience, and most importantly, money to be jobless for an extended period of time?  I don’t even think we qualify for unemployment, since we haven’t been fired.

And who has the sanity to deal with the constant barrage of, “We’re sorry, but you’re just not good enough for this organization.”

I get so freaked out thinking about not having a job that I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.

I’m using my Spring Break to go out to California, and knock on some doors.

Basically the thought of being jobless is SO SCARY that it trumps the fear of traveling to Cali alone (which I’ve never done).  It trumps the fear and tediousness of setting up blind informational interviews (without letting secretaries transfer me to HR).  It trumps the fear of potentially getting thrown out of a whole list of city managers’ offices and pissing someone off. It trumps the fear of being foolish getting laughed out of town. It trumps the fear of cornering the mayor of San Francisco (it is on my itinerary) and convincing him that he NEEDS me on his staff.

The fear of not getting what I want (my dream job) is so strong that it gives me the strength to do other things that would otherwise make me nervous and sweaty.  I’d rather go and fail than not try at all.

I think the odds are in my favor, however.  When I think about the past few jobs I’ve had, this approach has served me well.  My past successes have been during those times where I’ve walked up to someone (literally) and told them why they needed to hire me (and not the dozens of applications that I’d completed).

I had someone who I think is REALLY f-ing smart remind me earlier this week, when I was in the midst of a breakdown, that good things tend to happen to me.  She told me to calm down, regroup and make a plan.  She, and others, keep telling me that it’s still early and I shouldn’t be worried about not finding a job.

Unfortunately, my worry just can’t be turned off. But I did regroup, get myself together, and make a plan.

On Sunday, off I go to California.

To take control of my future, and guerilla my way into a job.

I think I’ve mentioned at least once or twice how I love my job at the Chamber of Commerce. I’ve learned a lot since I started working there. I’ve learned so much; about myself, the kind of job I want in the future, and about the kinds of work I want to do. (An ode to why I love the Chamber is in the works, just not for today.)

Last week, I approached my boss to ask for the week between X-mas and News Year’s off.  And was informed that my services would not be needed after Wednesday. This coming Wednesday.  Sadness (and panic), ensues.

I mean my boss was is awesome.  He made sure I understood why I’m being laid off. I’mbeing laid off because they can’t afford me, not because I suck as an employee.  He even said that I rock as an employee and he wishes he could keep me and he’s being talking me up to folks who may be in a position to hire me.

I can’t believe that I’m being LAID OFF, this is so weird.

Why I’m being laid off (a longer version):

You see, the Chamber of Commerce is a membership organization.  Their members are local area businesses. And in a recession, businesses make less money.  All the businesses, regardless of whether they are professional services, restaurants, retailers, bars, or financial institutions when they make less money, they cut stuff to preserve the bottom line.   And some (I don’t know how many, exactly) of the Chamber’s members are not renewing their dues. I know the real estate and development community has been hit pretty hard.

As the Chamber’s members tighten their belts, the Chamber has to tighten theirs. And the intern budget disappears.

So I’m jobless. And not because I did anything wrong. Which makes it so much easier and happier (you can tell by my use of flowers and smiley faces and exclamation points, how much I mean this)

How the hell did I not see this coming???

But I didn’t see it coming. All this time, I’ve been making fun of the Big 3 and how they failed to innovate or do ANYTHING really.

And I’ve been scratching my head about the financial crisis and have shaken my head in disgust in my policy class when we would learn about the greed of Wall Street investors and am incredulous that they could do the sh*t they’ve done and still be holding their hands out.

I still haven’t figured out what the fu*k is the problem with the banks and why the hell can’t they just LEND money.

I’ve rolled my eyes at folks who made bad mortgages decisions. I mean, when I was looking for a home at age 24 I knew enough not to get into a ARM or a Balloon or a variable rate mortgage, so how are all these other people stupid enough to fall for it?

Well, I’ve heard the Chamber’s Executive Director talk about how next year will be the hardest year for the Chamber, who over the past 10 years has experienced double digit growth, but for the first time ever will be facing a cut.

But I didn’t know that meant that I’d be history.

Basically, I was stupid.  I thought that if I did more than my job, took initiative (asked for more work), and stayed visible and engaged, I’d have a job as long as I wanted it.

I was wrong. Sometimes when you do everything right sh*t still happens. And since I’m the low man on the totem pole, I shouldn’t be surprised that I happened to me.

It is fu*king hard out there for a pimp. (and I should know, as I am a pimp)

And the more I’ve thought about it today, even as I made a list of all the organizations in the area that I’ve like to work for the next semester, places I’m going to call right after the holiday break, I realized that probably every one of those organizations is going through a hard time. And as organizations slash millions from their budgets I KNOW that hiring me is going to be a hard sell.

Then I read this offer on Havi’s blog today and it seemed like a dream.  So I applied. And while I didn’t get the offer, it has given me another angle with which to approach my next move. And it gave me hope that work does exist. And I mean work from anywhere in the world kind of work, which would be awesome.

I mean, I’ve been toying with the whole freelance copywriting idea since the summer, and even talked to Naomi about it. But I never followed up or through.

So I’m developing my pitch, which will highlight the fact that hiring me as a contract working is WAY cheaper than hiring a full time employee, the fact that I can research and write, and the fact that I know all the local players.  And one of my favorite local news sources has even mentioned the fact that I’m hirable.  And that gives me hope.

And Kelly gave me a whole list of sites that I can use, in addition to what Naomi gave me, to start seriously start copywriting. And I starting feeling a little better. A little more hopeful.

And I talked to the gf and shared my fears about never getting a job (now or before May) because this is like a replay of 2003 right after Bush bombed Iraq and all the job leads I had dried up (I wanted to be an au pair in France, but after the bombs fell and the whole freedom fries thing, French parents started specifying English, from England au pairs, not American English-speaking girls.)  That’s right the Spring of 2003 was the pre-cursor to Hell Year!!

And when I think about that I get nervous and I start to sweat and I get paralyzed and unable to do ANYTHING. Then the gf tells me that she believes in me, enough even, that I don’t have to believe in myself today. And that gives me LOTS of hope, because she’s pretty smart, and she wouldn’t have faith in me if I were a complete loser.

To all my fellow low men on the totem pole, I wish I had something uplifting and spiritual and sh*t to share with you to make you feel that your job is not  in danger.

Sorry, I can’t say that.

But I can say that even if the complete bottom falls out. I am NOT too proud to work at Target. I am NOT too proud to bus tables. I am NOT too proud to work at the mall. (and neither should you be)

But I don’t really want to work at any of those places (and neither do you). What I do want to do is convince organizations that they need my skills (even if they don’t necessary have the budget for staff) and that hiring me to work on projects saves them time and money, and helps them to check small-ish projects off their to-do list.

So I’m still tackling the list of organizations that I made earlier today, I’m just refining the way I talk to them. And I’m no longer panicked. I have a plan. A plan that I probably should have BEEN working on, anyway.

How are you recession-proofing your job?