Life in the Middle Lane

AKA Why you shouldn’t always listen to your heroes or I’m probably gonna piss some folks off.

Some time ago I got a free audio version of Seth Godin’s book Tribes. Yes, I know I’m a book behind. I’m a big fan of free and I haven’t found a free version of Linchpin and I haven’t won one on any of the giveaways I’ve entered over the past few months.  AND the GF says I have a problem and need to stop buying business books.  In fact, when we have dates in bookstores, she doesn’t let me play in the business/self-help section.  She says that I need to stop researching and start doing.  She’s right, but I’m comfortable researching. Research isn’t scary. Shipping is.

At least a year ago I got a hold of a link to Tribes, and I just started listening to it. Every morning for the past week or so, I listen to this book as I brush my teeth and get dressed before work. Every morning for 20 minutes I listen and I get so inspired that I go to work and write do work stuff.

Since I’m not allowed to read/buy self-help/business/entrepreneur books, I feed my habit with blogs and download free teleseminars. One of my favorite business/entrepreneur blogs is Naomi Dunford at IttyBiz. I join all her mailing lists; I stalk her blog and twitter. I’m constantly on the lookout for free Naomi stuff. I lust after her products. I think she’s a brilliant writer and a compelling salesperson.  In fact, I love her so much that I actually bought a relatively cheap  monthly subscription to her Speakeasy product. Even when I was jobless and almost homeless last year, I faithfully paid Naomi.  I’m not mad about it. I got a lot of value from it, even though I didn’t really actively participate that much.

So I trust Naomi, right? If she tells me something is good, I believe her.  When she recommended Ideaschema Idea Catalyst Kit, I jumped. Especially since I like Megan’s writing style and I like the idea of becoming an idea machine. I listened to Megan’s audio on walks after work and felt really inspired and would come home and write. I recommend this product. If you want to be an entrepreneur or creative and want to buy an info product, I suggest you buy this one. And this isn’t an affiliate link.

So when Naomi recommended Question the Rules, I took a look.  I’ve been reading Johnny Truant since The Economy is not Happening. and I think he’s hilarious and earnest. I’d listened to a Jam Session he did with Charlie Gilkey, and I liked that. So, I read Naomi’s recommendation, I checked out the product, and bought.

I don’t like it very much. Audio seminars generally follow a rhythm. You introduce the topic, outline what you want to talk about, talk about it, have some insights, summarize, and get off the phone. Not so with Question the Rules. The conversations sometimes kinda starts on topic, then they bumble from tangent to tangent.  Some of the conversations are extremely scattered, long-winded and pointless. Mostly, it seems like Johnny and Lee called some of their friends and had them talk about what they do.  The big revelation is that being an entrepreneur isn’t like having a 9-5 job. Well duh.

The best parts of the course? Sonia Simone and Chris Guillebeau.  And I could just read CopyBlogger and The Art of Non-Conformity to hear from them. Which I do.

So yeah. My suggestion is to skip the paid information products (especially this one) unless you’re looking for something that is very specific, like SEO, copywriting, how to launch or something that that.  Or you could just read Naomi or Dave Navarro.  If you are having issues with fear, or need some kind of support to help you change your lifestyle, you should be reading Jenny Blake or Havi Brooks.  If you need life coaching stuff, check out Jonathan Fields or Jenny Ferry.  They all have blogs that are awesome.

And if you want to listen to something on your ipod check out Audible’s self improvement section and just buy a business book.

I have three major “passion” projects that I should be devoting major amounts of time and energy to; the first is this blog, the second is Cosmopolitan Urbanist, and the third is my ¾th completed novel.

These three creatures gnaw at me. An idea for my novel will come to me when I’m supposed to be reading a report for work. A blog post for CU or an idea for a survey will come to me while I’m driving through some town or neighborhood.  Infinite ideas for this blog and other websites come to me as I hurl myself through my day at work, my home life with the GF or while I’m driving, talking on the phone, or cooking dinner. These projects are with me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Rain or shine, sleeping or awake. They haunt me.

My novel characters talk to me.  I promise them that their stories won’t languish on my virus infected laptop. That one day, I’ll at least compile their various Word documents into some semblance of order, change all the language from 1^st person to 3^rd, upload the whole damn thing onto Google Docs so that A. I can share it with my “editors” my BFF and the GF. (who are both waiting patiently) and B. so that I can work on it from work wherever.

I’m not kidding when I say I have notebooks and Word Docs and Google Docs galore of half-finished blog posts, and pictures on my phone, camera and computer of things I want to put on tumblr and flickr.

Every day at work I stare, (sometimes aimlessly) at the computer screen, absorbing inconsequential tidbits of news. I lament the fact that I’m an internet whore that just won’t quit. That I CAN”T get anything accomplished despite the fact that  I have these three things that are screaming inside my brain for attention. These things that I say I care about, but whom I neglect badly while I read the latest on twitter. I feel guilty. How dare I not spend my free time devoted to my work.

Now I think my subconscious is getting involved.

Over the past few weeks (maybe months) I’ve been having horrible, horrible nightmares. These are not my garden variety nightmares of devils attacking or me running from some unseen terror.  In these new nightmares, I’ve killed (or been privy to) the deaths of my siblings. Repeatedly. In these nightmares, I’ve watched them get attacked by snakes, lizards, a faceless friends, and finally, the unseen terror in the closet.  I’ve had dreams about going to weekend long family funerals, of someone being buried in the backyard, of multiple car crashes.  I had a nightmare that two of my uncles were fighting over money and somehow it was all my fault. Last night, I had two dreams.  In one, I was a dolphin in a dolphin family.  And in the other, I was fighting zombies like Lara Croft.

And those are just the dreams that I wake up and can recount. I have also had several dreams about transporting people in tubes across dimensions of space and time, and about medieval (or 22^nd Century) weapon technology, but I can’t remember all the details.

I, my therapist, and the GF, (bless her heart with infinite patience) have analyzed my dreamscape to death. Thank goodness that the GF is training to be a therapist since she’s had to listen to me talk about all the death and destruction that I go through most nights.

According to Freud, Jung, and the whole gang of therapy experts, dreams are our subconscious trying to tell us something about ourselves and our surroundings. Each part of the dream (even the parts played by other people) are symbolic pieces of ourselves.

After a bit of research, I was relieved to know that I’m not dreaming of the deaths of my siblings.  But I was horrified to know that I’m dreaming of the death or destruction of parts of myself.  I’ve taken some time to think about what part of my personality is represented by my siblings.  The answer came to me a few weeks ago as I stared at the ceiling in the middle of the night, refusing to go back to sleep after having a dream where I watched my sister get choked by an unseen hand from the closet. All of a sudden it hit me, I sat up in bed and using my cell phone light, wrote it quickly in my journal (scaring the GF half to death in the process).  My siblings are my legacy. They are the pieces of me that will live on after I’m dead.

My siblings are the reason I don’t want children. (And I mean that in a good way) As the oldest, I spent my childhood caring for them; reading to them, keeping them out of trouble, beating up their bullies, helping them with homework, making their lunches over the summers, making sure that they were ok. I consider them as much mine as my mother’s.  By watching my siblings die in my dreams, I witnessed the death of my legacy. Without them, no part of me lives on.

In one of the dreams, my cousin (who happens to be a a loud mouth) gives birth to a stillborn child, while I lay on the hospital bed beside her, unable even to birth the thing I could see moving inside me.  I think the dead and unborn babies refer to the unfinished projects and notebooks of ideas that I haven’t been working to GIVE BIRTH TO. My dreams are telling me that I need to stop talking, and start taking action.  It would be shame if my ideas die before I can do anything about them. I can’t depend on my siblings to be my legacy (somehow my mother thinks it’s cheating to consider them my children anyway). Only I am the master of my legacy.

Crazy, huh? The brain is a marvelous and mysterious hunk of meat.

AKA: In which I tell the universe what kind of job to send me.

A few weeks ago a friend (let’s call her Carla) and I were discussing our bosses and the undying love (not) that each of us has for our jobs. I told Carla how I had no intention or desire to work in state government, yet here I am.  I went on to tell her how state government sucks and I hate every minute of it.

Later in the conversation, Carla asked me what exactly I’d like to do. So I told her about what I hope to accomplish one day with Cosmopolitan Urbanist, and I told her about my research in affordable housing, downtown redevelopment, and community development. I told her about the project that I’m working on with my gym. Not concretely saying what I want to do, just kind of listing the stuff that really interests me.

Then Carla told me about her ideal job. And I decided to steal it.

So in the Spirit of Carla’s career statement, here goes my own:

I want a job where I’m hired because I’m me. The organization(s) trusts in me enough to do my job, without interference, without daily reporting, without having to clock in or sit in a cube all day.  I want a wide variety of interesting, socially conscious, useful projects and the freedom to pick which ones I want. I want to work without always needing to work at “break neck” speed but always keeping my deadlines in sight. I want to work with a group of interesting, creative, and social individuals that like and respect me.  And I don’t want to wait until I’m 50 (or 30, for that matter) to get this job.

Thinking in “big picture” reminded me of what I used to tell people in graduate school when they’d ask me what I wanted to do after graduation:   I want to work for an organization that allows me to work on large social problems, helps me to grow professionally and personally, in an environment that’s friendly and inclusive, in a large metropolitan area.

People always looked at me strangely when I said that. I think they wanted me to say something simple like, I want to work in local government or non-profits, or consulting, or urban development. I learned early that my ideal work environment is way more important to me that the actual work that I’m assigned. More often than not, even digging ditches can be fun if you’re doing it with a great group of people.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I would hate flipping burgers even if my 6 favorite bloggers joined me every day [thought it would be fun for a while], but to me, a good work environment is just as important as doing important work. Having worked with great co-workers doing menial tasks and not-so-great co-workers doing relatively good work; I’d rather stuff envelopes and have someone fun to talk to any day of the week.

I’m hoping for the trifecta: a great team of co-workers, work that’s engaging- intellectually and socially, and mornings where I don’t wake up hating the fact that I have to work.

So, Universe, bring me my ideal job,  Mmmhkay?

I went to college without really knowing what I want to do. Over the four years I changed my major four times. I started as a Political Science major, then I was a International Business/French major, then I switched to a plain Business major, finally I found my home in a very unlikely place—The Philosophy and Religion department.

I started college without really knowing what I wanted out of a four year degree, other than to be rich and famous. I loved the being a Philosophy major because I got to do my favorite things; read, think, talk and write. When folks asked me what I expected to do with a degree in a Philosophy, at first I shrugged. At one point, I assumed that I would go to Law School but in my heart I knew that was a cop-out. By the time I graduated, I wasn’t worried about the naysayers because I knew that I can do ANYTHING with my degree because I’ve learned how to THINK.

Tell that to the employees who wanted to see me with a Business or Journalism degree.

It took me a little while to get my act together, but I soon I found a field (Government) where I fit, and I knew that making a career in the public sector was right for me.

It took a few more years, and a graduate degree, interviewing my mentors, therapy and a life coach for me to identify what is most important to me, the thing that I would do for free.

What’s important to me?

I write about it, here and on Cosmopolitan Urbanist.

-Being the Best Monica Ever and hopefully inspiring someone else to be the best them ever

-Making public organizations better through technology

-Making neighborhoods stronger through urban design and community development

None of which I get to do in my current job. My job pays the bills, but it doesn’t turn me on.  Every once in a while, I get excited about the opportunity to learn a new skill set at work. Some days, I’m just happy just to have a paycheck at the end of the month and I don’t care that I’m not content in my work. Most days, though, I am so bored and frustrated and anxious that I sit in my cube wondering how I got to this place and what the hell do I have to do to get out of here.

I read Naomi at Ittybiz and Chris Guillebeau at The Art of Non-Conformity and now I’m completely jealous of Jamie at A Life in Transition. I read their stuff and I get emotionally confused. I’m so excited for them and inspired by them, but I also get sad because I feel so ordinary. I feel so unaligned with my values. I feel that I’m just getting by and not living my best life.

I’m the most goal oriented person I know, but I’m feeling a little stuck about taking the small steps that I need to, to move towards my best life. When I think about my stuckness, I want to throw my head back and have a Charlie Brown moment. WAAAHHHH!  This is not my life!!

During a recent conversation, my mom asked me if I was happy. I decided to forego the “I’m fine” answer, and answer honestly. I had to tell her that no, I’m not happy. I’m absolutely not happy. I’m not supposed to be a fricking management analyst. I ranted about how this recession has put a cramp in all my plans, and how I don’t feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. After a moment of silence, she agreed with me.

She said, “You have a ministry- not necessarily religiously- but you are supposed to be helping people to do and be better.”

Her response brought tears to my eyes. But what she said next made me stutter.

“What are you going to do about it?”

I didn’t have a great answer to give her.

Since then, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I really want out of life, and you should expect a post or two soon outlining just that.

Six years of secondary school has given me the skills that I need to build a successful business and gave me some professional credibility. Unfortunately for me, school didn’t really teach me what I need to do to live my ideal life. Being involved in the blogger community, especially reading Rebecca, and Penelope, and the other bloggers at Brazen Careerist has been the best education that I could have received. Through their inspiration, I’ve started to harness the power of my passion.

I’m moving slowly, and it’s hella frustrating. I never expected to be rich and famous overnight.  I know I’m going to work hard and be patient with myself. I know that soon, my hard work and my passion will get me to where I need to be.

And that’s how I’m crushing it.

A few years ago I was listened to a sermon, and the pastor said something that has stuck with me for years. He said we shouldn’t refer to ourselves as financially “broke” because that suggests that you need to be fixed or that you have a long term problem.  Instead, he says that we should say something like “I currently don’t have any money” or “I’m currently underfunded” or something like that because that suggests that your plight is temporary one.

Over the years, I’ve don’t a pretty good job of being cognizant of the language that I use when I refer to my relationship with money.  And over the years, money and I have developed a pretty decent relationship. While I’ve had an occasional slip up where I’ve run out of money before I’ve run out of month, I correct myself quickly.

That is, until now. For whatever reason, money and I are not on good terms. I get paid and it seems like days later, I’m poor again. I know that this is partly because I spend all my saving in San Francisco, and partly because I was unemployed for almost three months, but those aren’t the only reasons.

The real reasons are that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a real paycheck, and I suck at keeping a budget and I have high class taste and a pauper budget. Sad but totally true.

In graduate school, at the beginning of each semester you get a HUGE check and are tasked with budgeting in a way to make it last the entire semester.  This I could do.  And I always had a least a part-time job which allowed me to buy more beer. Life was awesome.

Before graduate school I lived with my mother.  For most of the time I had a well-paid full time job and a part-time job I did for fun (or for tequila money).    I bought groceries for the house and did most of the cooking in lieu of rent, and I had few expenses.  I even managed to save a bit. Life was awesome.

Before that, I shared a really cheap apartment with one of my former classmates, worked at an extremely low-paying job and hated my life. My only indulgence was my kickboxing membership because after working with 21 screaming first graders every day I needed to hit something every day. I often had to ask my mom to bail me out. That winter I had the flu and missed a week (unpaid) from school. It was a TOUGH year.

So full circle, I’m completely responsible for feeding, clothing, and providing shelter for myself.  Even though I’m splitting the household bills with the GF, taking care of myself is not an easy task. In fact, I f-ing suck at it.

I’m frustrated because I know that I’m making more money now than I’ve ever made in my life but it doesn’t feel like it.  And I’m frustrated because I thought I would be making a LOT more money after graduate school. (Screw the Recession!!)

In August when I got my first paycheck, my instinct was to pay all the bills that were past due over the summer. Bad idea. Basically because I forgot that I needed to pay the rent. D’Oh!  By the second paycheck, I was reeling. How in the world am I supposed to live off this?

So I decided to create a budget.

September was better. I managed not to get any overdraft fees on my checking accounts and I’m under my limits on my credit cards, which is awesome. However, sometimes I look at my budget or my bank accounts and it still says that I have like 2 dollars in the bank. This makes me frustrated and sad. Sometimes I just open up my pretty little excel spreadsheet and stare. Where does all my money go? What expenses can I delete? Do I really need Groceries? Gas? My storage unit?

I don’t want to get a second job at this point in my life. In the past I worked two jobs to stay busy. Now I want to spend my evenings working out, writing, or hanging with the GF, not bussing tables and filling water glasses.

To live the kind of life I want to live, I’m going to need to be resourceful about my revenue streams. And I’m going to have to give something(s) up. Again, balance is important. I need to be responsible with my finances, on the off chance that someone down the line cares about that sort of thing. On the other hand, I want to enjoy my life and my money. I refuse to be a slave to my debt.

So what to do? I probably won’t be able to pay off my credit cards or car loan as quickly as I want. I’m probably going to have to give myself a higher deductible on my car insurance. I may need a forbearance or deferment on my student loans. I’m going to have to store all my junk at home rather than rent a storage unit, and I’m going to have to be a more frugal grocery shopper.

Bottom line, I’m not going to let money rule my life.  We just gotta get back on good speaking terms.

How do you manage your monthly finances?

One of the problems with setting (and keeping) goals is that I’m easily distracted. And while I’ve done a heck of a job accomplishing my goals, I’ve spent some time on things that are important, but didn’t make it on the initial list.

For example, the GF and I gave me six months to write my business plan. And I really should have a business plan as I start to build relationships with commercial developers in the city. And I have found several organizations that give grants to people who do some of the things that I want to do, but to apply for these grants, you need a business plan.  So I’ve taken some time to start working on my business plan.  Since it’s going to take a significant block of time, it needs to be added to the goals list.

Also, another unspoken goal that I’ve been working on has been writing. There had been a couple of catalysts over the past weeks that have spurred me to start writing more.  A) I’ve read a couple of books with some of the most beautiful contemporary prose, which inspires me to write and B) I’ve just finished a book for my book club that is HORRIBLE. I truly believe that if this author can be published, then dammit, so can I. So I started writing.  And since being a writer is one of my long term goals, practicing should be on my list of short-term goals.

Otherwise, here is the breakdown of how I’ve met my goals this month.

The five most important things in my life

1. Meeting new people and Making friends
2. Getting my bills settled
3. Learning my new environment
4. Building my brand
5. Being a better friend, partner and family member

What I’ve done so far to work these:

I attended my book club meeting. Even though I wasn’t impressed with the book, I have a great time with these ladies, so make an effort to attend book club events and respond to emails.  I could really be friends with these ladies.

I have been working on my budgeting skills with the help of J. Money’s templates and this month has been way better than August! I made it through the whole month without over-drafting my checking account and I’m below my limits on my credit cards. Woo-hoo!

I’ve talked to @Norcross about working on my website. He’s awesome. But I’m slow, so this is definitely a work in progress and it will likely take me a couple more months to get it all settled and done.

I’ve spent lots of time with my sister. We attended the Atlanta Arts Festival together, we went to Wal-Mart together, and I’ve gone with her to church a couple of times. We’ve both done a much better job of calling and texting each other more often.  I talk to my mom at least twice a week, so I think I’m doing a good job there. I haven’t done as great a job with the weekly emailing of my brother. I have emailed him a couple of times, and I haven’t gotten a response. Maybe I should send him a care package and a real letter

September has been a really good month for my relationship. Does that mean I got better at communicating? I don’t know. But whatever I did, I hope I can maintain it.

And all that other stuff I said I wanted to do?

1.  Calling and/or emailing my friends in NC at least once a week. I’ve gotten out of touch with my MPA family

Done. I have called, texted, or emailed someone from NC at least once a week. Completing this goal has made me feel so good. It is definitely something I want to keep doing.

2.Watch how much money I spend at the grocery store. (I tend to go a bit overboard.)

Done. Having a budget in place and going to the grocery with a list made this goal a lot easier.

3. I need to (a.) join (b.) go to (5x wkly) a gym; working out outside isn’t working for me.

Mostly done. Within the first week of September I joined a gym. While I may not have gone 5x a week, I have totally gone 3-4 times a week! And I supplemented those gym visits with off-day walks in my “neighborhood”. I can already fit into a pair of jeans that were fitting rather snuggly (and not in a good way). YAY me!

AND I’m writing grants for a non-profit that is affiliated with the gym so I got a FREE membership! Double YAY!

4.  Call my mom and sister twice a week, send my brother one email a week.  Send text messages to friends when I think of them.

Totally DONE!

5.  Build a marketing campaign for Cosmopolitan Urbanist (and find a web designer)

Not so much. But I did talk to Norcross

6.  Attend more meet-up events

Not even. But it rained for almost 16 days straight. I didn’t do many activities that made me go outside. I will do better in October.

7.  Contact local commercial developers.

I contacted one and didn’t get a response back. I found a couple more that I want to check out.

8.  Show my emotions.

Maybe. I’ve been in a pretty good mood lately, so I think so.

9.  I think I’ve found the organization that I’d like to work with next, so now I have to bring myself to their attention. I’m going to attend their September board meeting, and say something useful while I’m there.

The first week in September I got an email from this organization asking me to volunteer on a project. So I didn’t have to bring myself to their attention. They were already thinking of me

10.  (Carried over from last month) Get a map of the interior of I-285 and explore different Atlanta neighborhoods, by car.

I haven’t gotten a map, but I have traveled to some neighborhoods that I’m unfamiliar with. So, I’m giving myself a pass here.

I’m posting my October Goals tomorrow. Look Out!

I love McDonalds hot fudge sundaes. They’re cheap and they often hit the spot when I need a fix for my sweet tooth. The only problem is that McD’s only puts the chocolate sauce on top of the ice cream.  Sometimes without thinking, I eat ALL the chocolate in my first few bites and am left with a cup full of vanilla soft serve. I hate plain vanilla soft serve.  Since I’m a pro at eating these sundaes, I’ve learned to savor the chocolate to avoid the disappointment of “no chocolate” midway through my sundae.

Yesterday, I got a real sundae from a real ice cream store and I came upon a real conundrum. I was so busy savoring the chocolate at the top of the sundae that I didn’t notice all the chocolate (and CARAMEL!!!) at the bottom of the sundae. By the time I got to the end of the sundae, I had lots of fudgy yumminess and not enough ice cream. I had to go into my stash of frozen whipped cream to finish off my dessert.

As I enjoyed the final bites I was reminded—Life is all about balance. And the ice cream to fudge ratio. Too much (or too little) of either can ruin a sundae.

Last Wednesday I sat in the longest meeting of my life. It was a “briefing” (HA!) to inform my division chief of what my team has been working on for the past month.  It was simply an informational meeting, which means there were no conflicts, no problems that needed to be hammered out, no decisions to be made. Just talking.

And I slept through most of it. Really, I’m not joking.  Doodling didn’t help, excusing myself and taking a walk around the office didn’t help, trying to speak up in the meeting didn’t help.  As soon as my mouth closed, so did my eyes.

I remember thinking after the second hour, “Oh my God, I’m going to get fired because I slept through the first meeting I’ve attended.”

After the third hour, I remember thinking, “Why can’t I keep my eyes open? I should be able to control this!”

And after the fourth hour, I just thought, “Oh screw it. This meeting is stupid anyway.”

And since I wrote most of the briefing material (but my boss did all the talking) I wasn’t missing anything important.

Funnily enough, the meeting started out with the usual southern small talk, which I will never understand. Just get to business, already!

Wanna know what was the small talk subject matter of the day?

Farm animals. My division chief shared a story about having goats on his farm and how he used to feed the goats to his kids for dinner—and how they would get sick after finding out that they were eating Cappy or Billy or whatever other ridiculous names that they gave to the goats.

Then my boss contributed a story about her study abroad in Mexico. Apparently she killed goats, cows and chickens. Guess what? Cows cry just before they die.  COWS KNOW.  My boss said that every time they would get a cow from the pasture and separate it from the herd it would start to cry.  And when they would take it to the killing place (whatever that’s called) it would look back at them and cry harder. She even demonstrated how they sound.  How sad is that?  Pretty eff-ing sad, if you ask me.

But you know what? I don’t think that story made me sad enough to stop eating steak, though.

For those who haven’t seen the twitter or facebook updates….I am gainfully employed!

Yay me!

This is the end of the FIRST week has been an interesting work week.  Monday was spent getting introduced to the building, Capitol Hill,  and all the different Audit sections. Tuesday were spent almost completely on selecting benefits.  (I, for one, did not know that insurance could be so expensive.)  I ended up buying a half a dozen different kinds of insurance. Now I worry that I’m paying for stuff that I’ll never need while simultaneously hoping to God that I never do!

Wednesday and Thursday were spent in my cube (yes I have a cubicle) reading a stack of manuals. Administrative procedures, departmental procedures, division procedures, performance audit procedures.  I read several different kinds of audit reports.  I know auditing backwards and forwards.

Today, my division chief gave me his version of Auditing 101 (basically a recap of everything I’ve read so far this week.  I really, really understand (conceptionally, at least) what I am here to do.

I am officially ready to hit the ground running.

And apparently that is exactly what they expect me to do.

Monday is Day 1 on a new project and I am one part of a two person team. What fun! (Actually it IS fun)

My division chief, on several occasions this week has told me a bit about how I came to be hired.  On Wednesday, he told me that there were several highly qualified finalists but that I rose to the top. How I rose, I am not sure.  I assured him that I am immensely happy to be working, and flattered, to say the least.)

Today, he told me that there were several (including me) good candidates in the applicant pool.  There were some he knew would be productive staff analysts for many years. He then said that I was selected because it was clear that I wouldn’t be satisfied staying a staff analyst, and he needed to hire someone who wanted to be promoted.  Quickly.  The division is extremely understaffed, and my boss hopes to put me on the fast track when the budget is less restrictive.  (Yay me!)

As he told me all this, it took tremendous will not to start laughing out loud!  Am I that obvious?  No lie, on Monday during orientation I looked at the department’s vacancies org chart and decided that I could comfortably stay in this organization for 5-6 years and move up quickly in responsibility and salary.  It is nice to know that my boss has already pegged me as a mover and shaker and is willing to push me along.

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A few weeks ago, I said that the time and money that I spent job hunting in San Francisco was a waste. Believe me, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done all that traveling. I spent hundreds of dollars, and I have nothing to show for it. I wasted my time and money.

My friend, who overheard me, was aghast. How dare I say that!?!  She said I was being ungrateful. I met some really cool people, I learned  BART, I made some professional contacts that will be handy in the future. How could my time have been a waste, when I got to experience all that good stuff came out of it?

Well, I said. My trip out West was purposeful.  It was all about getting a job.  I went on 4 interviews with 3 organizations.  And I came home empty-handed.  So yeah, a waste.

But what about the experience, my friend implores. I got to do a lot of cool stuff! The travel, the time spent in a really cool city hanging out with the locals going to the really cool restaurants. I got to do something few other people get to do. My friend said I was looking at the experience too narrowly.

My friend was right.  I’ve (mostly) had a great time in San Francisco.

But I wasn’t wrong.  I went to California with a goal in mind; I expected FULLY to get a job out of the deal. But in this case, I came home without meeting my goal.  Were my expectations too high? Should I be satisfied having the experience? Or should I continue to focus on meeting my goal?

I’m not satisfied with JUST having the experience. Is Hillary satisfied that she had the experience of running for president? I think not. I’m sure it will help her in the long run, but RIGHT NOW I doubt that she’s jumping for joy.  What about all the American Idol hopefuls, or the Miss America runner-ups or the teams that didn’t win the Super Bowl. Do you believe them when they give their farewell speech and say that they are happy to have the experience? Yeah, I get that they are happy for the experience, but they came to win, right? And it sucks to get [thisclose] and then fail to meet your goal.

I came to win.  And while I enjoyed my time in San Francisco, I didn’t win. And when it comes to looking for a job, coming in second doesn’t get you paid.