Life in the Middle Lane

I went to college without really knowing what I want to do. Over the four years I changed my major four times. I started as a Political Science major, then I was a International Business/French major, then I switched to a plain Business major, finally I found my home in a very unlikely place—The Philosophy and Religion department.

I started college without really knowing what I wanted out of a four year degree, other than to be rich and famous. I loved the being a Philosophy major because I got to do my favorite things; read, think, talk and write. When folks asked me what I expected to do with a degree in a Philosophy, at first I shrugged. At one point, I assumed that I would go to Law School but in my heart I knew that was a cop-out. By the time I graduated, I wasn’t worried about the naysayers because I knew that I can do ANYTHING with my degree because I’ve learned how to THINK.

Tell that to the employees who wanted to see me with a Business or Journalism degree.

It took me a little while to get my act together, but I soon I found a field (Government) where I fit, and I knew that making a career in the public sector was right for me.

It took a few more years, and a graduate degree, interviewing my mentors, therapy and a life coach for me to identify what is most important to me, the thing that I would do for free.

What’s important to me?

I write about it, here and on Cosmopolitan Urbanist.

-Being the Best Monica Ever and hopefully inspiring someone else to be the best them ever

-Making public organizations better through technology

-Making neighborhoods stronger through urban design and community development

None of which I get to do in my current job. My job pays the bills, but it doesn’t turn me on.  Every once in a while, I get excited about the opportunity to learn a new skill set at work. Some days, I’m just happy just to have a paycheck at the end of the month and I don’t care that I’m not content in my work. Most days, though, I am so bored and frustrated and anxious that I sit in my cube wondering how I got to this place and what the hell do I have to do to get out of here.

I read Naomi at Ittybiz and Chris Guillebeau at The Art of Non-Conformity and now I’m completely jealous of Jamie at A Life in Transition. I read their stuff and I get emotionally confused. I’m so excited for them and inspired by them, but I also get sad because I feel so ordinary. I feel so unaligned with my values. I feel that I’m just getting by and not living my best life.

I’m the most goal oriented person I know, but I’m feeling a little stuck about taking the small steps that I need to, to move towards my best life. When I think about my stuckness, I want to throw my head back and have a Charlie Brown moment. WAAAHHHH!  This is not my life!!

During a recent conversation, my mom asked me if I was happy. I decided to forego the “I’m fine” answer, and answer honestly. I had to tell her that no, I’m not happy. I’m absolutely not happy. I’m not supposed to be a fricking management analyst. I ranted about how this recession has put a cramp in all my plans, and how I don’t feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. After a moment of silence, she agreed with me.

She said, “You have a ministry- not necessarily religiously- but you are supposed to be helping people to do and be better.”

Her response brought tears to my eyes. But what she said next made me stutter.

“What are you going to do about it?”

I didn’t have a great answer to give her.

Since then, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I really want out of life, and you should expect a post or two soon outlining just that.

Six years of secondary school has given me the skills that I need to build a successful business and gave me some professional credibility. Unfortunately for me, school didn’t really teach me what I need to do to live my ideal life. Being involved in the blogger community, especially reading Rebecca, and Penelope, and the other bloggers at Brazen Careerist has been the best education that I could have received. Through their inspiration, I’ve started to harness the power of my passion.

I’m moving slowly, and it’s hella frustrating. I never expected to be rich and famous overnight.  I know I’m going to work hard and be patient with myself. I know that soon, my hard work and my passion will get me to where I need to be.

And that’s how I’m crushing it.

Last Wednesday I sat in the longest meeting of my life. It was a “briefing” (HA!) to inform my division chief of what my team has been working on for the past month.  It was simply an informational meeting, which means there were no conflicts, no problems that needed to be hammered out, no decisions to be made. Just talking.

And I slept through most of it. Really, I’m not joking.  Doodling didn’t help, excusing myself and taking a walk around the office didn’t help, trying to speak up in the meeting didn’t help.  As soon as my mouth closed, so did my eyes.

I remember thinking after the second hour, “Oh my God, I’m going to get fired because I slept through the first meeting I’ve attended.”

After the third hour, I remember thinking, “Why can’t I keep my eyes open? I should be able to control this!”

And after the fourth hour, I just thought, “Oh screw it. This meeting is stupid anyway.”

And since I wrote most of the briefing material (but my boss did all the talking) I wasn’t missing anything important.

Funnily enough, the meeting started out with the usual southern small talk, which I will never understand. Just get to business, already!

Wanna know what was the small talk subject matter of the day?

Farm animals. My division chief shared a story about having goats on his farm and how he used to feed the goats to his kids for dinner—and how they would get sick after finding out that they were eating Cappy or Billy or whatever other ridiculous names that they gave to the goats.

Then my boss contributed a story about her study abroad in Mexico. Apparently she killed goats, cows and chickens. Guess what? Cows cry just before they die.  COWS KNOW.  My boss said that every time they would get a cow from the pasture and separate it from the herd it would start to cry.  And when they would take it to the killing place (whatever that’s called) it would look back at them and cry harder. She even demonstrated how they sound.  How sad is that?  Pretty eff-ing sad, if you ask me.

But you know what? I don’t think that story made me sad enough to stop eating steak, though.

For those who haven’t seen the twitter or facebook updates….I am gainfully employed!

Yay me!

This is the end of the FIRST week has been an interesting work week.  Monday was spent getting introduced to the building, Capitol Hill,  and all the different Audit sections. Tuesday were spent almost completely on selecting benefits.  (I, for one, did not know that insurance could be so expensive.)  I ended up buying a half a dozen different kinds of insurance. Now I worry that I’m paying for stuff that I’ll never need while simultaneously hoping to God that I never do!

Wednesday and Thursday were spent in my cube (yes I have a cubicle) reading a stack of manuals. Administrative procedures, departmental procedures, division procedures, performance audit procedures.  I read several different kinds of audit reports.  I know auditing backwards and forwards.

Today, my division chief gave me his version of Auditing 101 (basically a recap of everything I’ve read so far this week.  I really, really understand (conceptionally, at least) what I am here to do.

I am officially ready to hit the ground running.

And apparently that is exactly what they expect me to do.

Monday is Day 1 on a new project and I am one part of a two person team. What fun! (Actually it IS fun)

My division chief, on several occasions this week has told me a bit about how I came to be hired.  On Wednesday, he told me that there were several highly qualified finalists but that I rose to the top. How I rose, I am not sure.  I assured him that I am immensely happy to be working, and flattered, to say the least.)

Today, he told me that there were several (including me) good candidates in the applicant pool.  There were some he knew would be productive staff analysts for many years. He then said that I was selected because it was clear that I wouldn’t be satisfied staying a staff analyst, and he needed to hire someone who wanted to be promoted.  Quickly.  The division is extremely understaffed, and my boss hopes to put me on the fast track when the budget is less restrictive.  (Yay me!)

As he told me all this, it took tremendous will not to start laughing out loud!  Am I that obvious?  No lie, on Monday during orientation I looked at the department’s vacancies org chart and decided that I could comfortably stay in this organization for 5-6 years and move up quickly in responsibility and salary.  It is nice to know that my boss has already pegged me as a mover and shaker and is willing to push me along.

.

A few weeks ago, I said that the time and money that I spent job hunting in San Francisco was a waste. Believe me, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done all that traveling. I spent hundreds of dollars, and I have nothing to show for it. I wasted my time and money.

My friend, who overheard me, was aghast. How dare I say that!?!  She said I was being ungrateful. I met some really cool people, I learned  BART, I made some professional contacts that will be handy in the future. How could my time have been a waste, when I got to experience all that good stuff came out of it?

Well, I said. My trip out West was purposeful.  It was all about getting a job.  I went on 4 interviews with 3 organizations.  And I came home empty-handed.  So yeah, a waste.

But what about the experience, my friend implores. I got to do a lot of cool stuff! The travel, the time spent in a really cool city hanging out with the locals going to the really cool restaurants. I got to do something few other people get to do. My friend said I was looking at the experience too narrowly.

My friend was right.  I’ve (mostly) had a great time in San Francisco.

But I wasn’t wrong.  I went to California with a goal in mind; I expected FULLY to get a job out of the deal. But in this case, I came home without meeting my goal.  Were my expectations too high? Should I be satisfied having the experience? Or should I continue to focus on meeting my goal?

I’m not satisfied with JUST having the experience. Is Hillary satisfied that she had the experience of running for president? I think not. I’m sure it will help her in the long run, but RIGHT NOW I doubt that she’s jumping for joy.  What about all the American Idol hopefuls, or the Miss America runner-ups or the teams that didn’t win the Super Bowl. Do you believe them when they give their farewell speech and say that they are happy to have the experience? Yeah, I get that they are happy for the experience, but they came to win, right? And it sucks to get [thisclose] and then fail to meet your goal.

I came to win.  And while I enjoyed my time in San Francisco, I didn’t win. And when it comes to looking for a job, coming in second doesn’t get you paid.

I got off the train on Thursday, and found myself in the cleanest MARTA station I’ve ever seen. The platform didn’t smell like pee or filth. The escalators were all working. I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to go, I looked wildly at the wayfinding signs, and randomly picked, and went up the escalator. At the top, I found myself at a security checkpoint in a Georgia State Building.  I quickly found out I was in the wrong place, and made my way outside.

Outside the building, I looked up into the sky and the first thing I saw was shiny, golden dome of the Georgia State Capitol.  Immediately I was taken back.  I was probably in the third grade, and my class went on a field trip to another state capitol. It was beautiful. All I remember is that the seats and carpets were deep burgundy and sooooo soft. The dome (are domes required on capitol buildings?) was stately, but opulent, with different colored glass and gold filigree.  I remember our tour guide telling us that the building was newly renovated. I was starstruck. I remember thinking—I wanna work in a place that’s this cool when I grow up.

Then I was taken to another time. I was 22 and driving to DC.  It wasn’t my first trip to DC, but this trip was special. I was in town for an interview, it was the middle of the worst year of my life, and it was my first trip to DC by myself as an adult.  I was on the interstate, and I remember looking over the city. It was so pretty and glittery and POWERFUL!! I fell in love with DC immediately, and I fall more in love every time I’m there.

I was so excited and I couldn’t hold it in. I just hooped and hollered and did a jig in the car. It was so exciting. I had to call my friends and scream “I’M IN DC!!!!!” And because my friends are awesome, they yelled along with me.

All of a sudden, I’m snapped back to all the times over the past two years in MPA school where I’ve emphatically declared that under no circumstances would I consider a job in state government. ‘It’s a bureaucracy!’, I’d say. ‘Nothing ever gets done there!’, I’d say. ‘It’s too big!”, I’d say.

But there I was, about to walk into that big domed building. I just shook my head. I whispered under my breath, “Never say never.”

Alternate Title: What happened on my California interviews.

A few weeks ago, I received an offer for an interview in Hayward, California for a Deputy City Clerk position. In a good economy, I wouldn’t have even considered the position. (I’ve worked in a City Clerk’s office before, and I know that being a Clerk is not what I want to be when I grow up).  However, this is not a good economy, and times are hard, and I was just excited to get an interview.  During the same timeframe, I applied for a couple of other jobs that I was REALLY excited about (San Jose Downtown Association and the Silicon Valley Leadership Alliance). Since I had to spend almost $400 dollars on a plane ticket (regardless of whether I spent 2 days or 10 days), I decided that I should maximize my time and request interviews with the other organizations, and meet as many people as possible.

The City of Hayward uses a two interview process.  I had an initial panel interview with Clerks from other Bay Area jurisdictions.  The purpose of the interview was to see if I had the basic skills and temperament to be a Deputy Clerk, i.e. they ranked applicants in terms of general “clerk” ability.  I came in third, which granted me a second interview. The second interview was with the City Clerk and the City Attorney.  It was….meh. They didn’t ask me anything I wasn’t expecting, and I answered their questions quickly and thoroughly. The City Clerk was young, and it was great to see someone her age (early 30’s) at the top of her field.

The interesting thing about the Hayward interviews?  The questions were so generic. The panel interview was harder because a) there were three people to make eye contact with and b) their questions were harder and more scenarios based. The second interview felt like a recap of the first interview, and some of the questions were legal questions. (Hello! I decided NOT to go to law school remember) And the City Attorney asked me what I hoped to do with a Philosophy degree. I had to keep my composure, and say very sweetly,

I can do anything I want to with a Philosophy Degree. Studying Philosophy teaches one to think logically and solve problems.

To which he grunted.

In short, I’m not crazy about the position, but it would be a promotion from my last job before graduate school and it would get me to the West Coast (which is the goal). *shrugging*

I am way more excited about the other two jobs that I interviewed for.  The Silicon Valley Leadership Alliance is an amazing organization, and I was very excited that they were willing to interview me on short notice.  In the advertised position, I would be analyzing policy and managing the Directors of Environmental Policy and Energy Policy.  The Directors (who interviewed me) were so awesome. I had a great chemistry with them; the interview was very easy and relaxed. They didn’t ask the generic questions [they had great questions]. We had things in common, I loved them.  The job was SO ME.

Two problems: They told me,

While we think you’re great and capable and intelligent, and would be great in this job, there are 15 other people in the stack that are just like you.

Ouch. And they have a 3 part interview process, which means I would need to fly out to California twice more. Their timeframe for hiring someone is August, so I send them nice emails every once in a while so they don’t forget me….[If you are reading, guys, please hire me]

Interview Three was with the San Jose Downtown Partnership. It wasn’t a “real” interview; we met at the local Starbucks. I asked that hiring manager to meet with me while I was in town.  We agreed that a real interview could happen later on the phone. I just wanted her to have my face (and my body language) to go with my resume.   While I know that I am capable of being a great Event Coordinator (the position that I’m interviewing for), this is a case of right organization, wrong position. Working for a Downtown Development Agency is one of my dream jobs, but I always saw myself in a policy, analytical, or government or client relations role. I think the Event Coordinator gig would be a lot of fun and I think I would learn a lot.  But the hiring manager thinks I’m over qualified and won’t last long.  I tried to reassure her, but I don’t know if I convinced her.

If I had to rank these jobs in order of my preference, I’d choose 1) Silicon Valley Leadership Alliance, 2) San Jose Downtown Association 3) City of Hayward.

I believe that the best way to get a job is to be you in an interview. If interviewers don’t like the me that they see in the interview, then they aren’t going to like me in the position.  Even when I’m not offered the position, often interviewers still tell me that they get “good feelings” about me or that I have a good aura or that I’m likeable)   I feel as confident as I can about these interviews, knowing that I showed them my best self.

Over the past few days I’ve realized that I’m back on my “depression sleep cycle”.  Bed after midnight, sleep til 10am.  Yawn all day….eat junk….mope around.

During the hours when I am, what passes for awake, I trudge from restaurant to restaurant from temp agency to temp agency putting on my happy face, and telling them all why I would be just AWESOME as a hostess, bartender, server, administrative assistant, call center rep……and all I REALLY want to do is cry.

This is not my life.  At least, this is not the life I wanted/dreamed of/expected.  I mean, when I finish writing this post, I’m going down to the local CVS to apply for a job as a cashier.

And to think. I actually WENT to college. TWICE.

At night when I’m waiting (usually in vain) for my eyes to close and sleep to overtake me, I run through my mind all the people I need to email, all the staffing companies I still need to get to, all the cute little restaurants that I should drop by, and ask the Universe, God, whatever you want to call the higher being that keeps the world turning…… When will it end? When will I hit rock bottom?

I am beginning to believe that it is only when I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown, all my optimism is gone, and I have no other options that whatever breakthrough I’m supposed to have will happen.  I’ll have a moment of clarity, and the path I’m supposed to take will be clear, and I’l stop feeling like a fish out of water.

And I think it’s close.

Looking for a job is a lonely experience.  Looking for a job in a brand new city across the country is an extremely lonely experience. With all the time I spend applying for jobs, I’ve largely ignored the rest of my life.  The constant worry and rejection, coupled with the “so how’s the job search going?” questions leave me too sad, depressed and anxious to come out and be social.

This week I’m in the Bay Area for an interview. (YAY!)  But in spite of my super excitement about the opportunity and my confidence that I’ll get the job, I’m so sad out here. This is my second trip to the Bay.  On my first trip, I had so much fun.  It was equal parts networking extravaganza and vacation. This trip (because I’m newly poor and jobless) I can’t even afford a hotel or a rental car.  I’m staying with a friend of a friend who happens to live near a BART station (thank GOD).  I’m just starting to be comfortable traveling on the trains. However, I still haven’t ventured on the buses. I constantly worry that I’m overstaying my welcome and will come back to find my suitcase on the sidewalk.

Being out here, I spend a lot of time alone. Sometimes alone is just alone, but sometimes, most times, alone is a very lonely place.  I just wanna go home, drink straight out of my own milk carton and watch my tv in my underwear. (Except, I gave up my apartment, and am now living with my mom–boo).

Being in a new city, alone, is tough. Having to be ON and networking and interviewing in a new city is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  Today I was on a train and it hit me. I don’t want to do this by myself and I don’t want to be here by myself anymore.  I’m tired and I’m done.  I cannot do another trip out here like this. If I don’t get a job out of this trip, I think I’ll officially be at rock bottom.

It’s not that I am losing faith. It’s not that I don’t believe in myself. I believe in hard work, I believe in perseverance, I believe in a little bit of luck .  So I’m going BALLS OUT for the next three days. As hard as I’ve been working, all the leads that I’ve followed, all the time and effort I put in, and as big a hit that my credit card has taken (!!!) if nothing happens this week, I need to rethink my strategy.

You know that old saying, “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away….” I’m not walking away.  I’m going all in.

Wish me luck out here. It’s now or nothing.

Unemployment is the third worst feeling I’ve ever had. Loss, inadequacy, insecurity, anxiety; all rolled into one.  Sometimes I get so discouraged and disappointed that I briefly lose control of myself.  In those ‘out-of-control’ moments I often find myself glued to the computer almost randomly applying for all the jobs that I can even remotely consider myself qualified to do.

A few weeks ago, I was rambling to my life coach, Jenny Ferry, about how these ‘out-of-control’ moments are taking over my life, and sapping all my energy and motivation.  We talked about how applying for jobs through the Careerbuilder, Idealist, Monster.com sites doesn’t really work .

We talked about how overwhelmed I am by the fact that I am FREAKING UNEMPLOYED.  During the conversation with Jenny (and other members of my support network), I am reminded that I am a successful, resourceful, extraordinary person. One day (soon I hope) my perseverance is going to pay off. I’ve done more networking, informational interviews, referral calls and emails in the past 6 months than I have in my entire life.   Some good must come from this, right?

I understand that our struggles and obstacles make us stronger and in situations like this, I need to keep on swimming, but I’m so tired of failing. I need something good to happen soon. In the meantime, I’ll try to keep control of myself and channel my energy into making more phone calls and sending more email to real people, not the robots behind the job boards.

Everyone must know something about me that I am currently unaware of.  For the past year I’ve had co-workers, professors, counselors, friends, mentors, Jenny, new people that I’ve met and the GF all tell me the same thing. 

Monica, you’re awesome and successful. 

Every time someone tells me that I’m going to be fine and I should stop worrying about not finding a job, part of me doesn’t believe them (even thought I really want to believe them). I’ve worked crazy hard over the past year. I’ve been networking my ass, applying for lots and lots of jobs, going on informational interviews, going to professional conferences, tweaking my resume, building a new website all working towards getting a fucking job. 

Unfortunately, I’m one among 100’s (I know, I harass HR managers) of new graduates, and older experienced displaced workers going after the same very limited job pool.  So my goal has changed, and I’m piecing together a couple of entrepreneurial ventures with my friends and classmates.  And I’m really excited about them.  But I’m rather scared shitless. 

When I tell folks about the consulting and the promotions and the party planning, they tend to get really excited. And the more excited they get the more scared I get. 

What if I fuck it up?  What if I’m not as awesome as everyone thinks I am? 

Tonight I finally asked the GF why she keeps telling me that I’m going to be fine.  She said the proof is in the pudding. Over and over, she said, she’s seen me make something out of nothing.  She’s seen me hustle.  

She said, 

I would trust you to make a great cake because I’ve seen you make cakes and I’ve tasted your cake in the past so I don’t worry about your capacity to make good cake in the future. 

I make good cake, huh? 

I giggled at her metaphors (all food related, since we’re dieting), but I think she’s on the money. 

I am a diva (which is the female version of a hustler).  I’m seriously not going to be left penniless, homeless and hungry. I have always had a plan.  And I bought a domain name just in case. I go through my school notes, and they are filled with business plans, and funding sources, and potential partners. And I built a beautiful vision board with all my goals on it, and you can’t go wrong with a vision board.  I’m thinking about tumblring my vision board so you guys can see. It’s SO awesome, and I love it. 

I’m still scared shitless, but I’m not letting my fear stop me from moving forward.  In fact, I think my fear propels me forward.  

When my mama says she’s praying and my bosses tell me I’m great, and I interview with managers who tell me that they wish they had the money to hire me (but they don’t and they can’t), and the GF tells me that she’s not riding my anxiety train…… 

I’m going to take a deep breath.  I’m going to smile.  I’m going to nod and agree with them.  Then I’m going to double time it with my business ventures so that I don’t let all these wonderful people down. 

How do you deal with fear and insecurity?