Life in the Middle Lane

I’ve been in Atlanta for almost two months now, and I’ve settled into my life with the GF and I’ve gotten a job. Next on my list of things to do is to make myself some friends. So like any good Gen Y quasi-computer geek, I went straight to Meetup and twitter. And while twitter hasn’t been really fruitful (too much spam) Meet up has been amazing.

There are meetup groups for anything you want to do. Me, I’ve joined a couple of arts/film/food lovers groups, a couple of writing groups and a couple of book clubs. So far, my I haven’t been able to attend many of the activities. All the activities tend to happen at the same time that I have something else going on!!!

A few weeks ago, I went to one book club meeting, and I wasn’t impressed. I spent a week quickly reading the book club selection, and not really liking the book. I almost chickened out of going to the meeting (I’m shy and not that into meeting new people). I talked myself into going, only to be pretty disappointed. I ended up leaving the meeting sad and depressed. I didn’t feel a connection to any of the the other members, and there wasn’t anything about that meeting to convince me to return.

Today was different, I attending a Women of Worth book club meeting. It was, in two words, hilariously awesome. It was my kind of book club; we read poems and drank vodka and laughed our asses off. It was so much fun.

When I got home, the GF asked me if I felt silly for getting all bend out of shape over the first failed meeting up. I didn’t actually answer her, but yep. I feel a little silly.

I hate everything about this stupid war in Iraq. And all the stupid articles about Iraq just make me angry.  My brother’s in Iraq for the 3^rd, count ‘em first, second, THIRD time. I mean, the second time he was over there, his HumVee got blown up, and his knee cap got BLOWN OFF. He’ll never walk without a limb. His first born child will be born in October, and he won’t be there. Twenty Four is TOO YOUNG to see the all the death that he’s seen. And I miss him, damn it.

I’m sick of every news report starting out with how many soldiers and marines died in Iraq. It’s TOO much. I want this war over now.  I’m all about diplomacy, but for fuck’s sake, just end it already!

I generally have a pretty f-ed up view of the world. I expect the worst to happen.  I expect people to behave badly.  I have a horrible time trusting people.  I’m a cynic and a pessimist. I’m naturally sensitive, but I try VERY hard to keep my emotions under wrap, in a box with a key in a vault.  In a cave, under the ocean. (Being called a crybaby as a child will do that to you)

So when I read beautiful things written by beautiful people it makes me really happy and my faith in the world is restored (at least briefly).  And Marie had made me pretty happy today. In her post, Take Care, she asserts that we are in the lives of our friends, lovers, families because God trusts us to take care of them.

Read it again to make sure you got it. God trusts us to take care of them.

WOW. I got chill bumps while reading that statement!!! It is such an amazing and empowering thought. I am responsible for taking care of the people with whom I’ve been blessed to interact.

Sometimes I think about packing up my life and running away and living in a cave in the Midwest.  I’ve wondered if anyone would notice or care if I was no longer around. Most times I think I make a so-so friend. So to think that God (in her/his all-knowing wisdom) trusts me?!?!?!

I have friends and family with whom I have a cosmic (in my mind, at least) connection with.  People with whom I immediately feel comfortable.  People with whom I can be my total ridiculous self.  People who know me better than I know myself.  People who (on the days that I believe in reincarnation) I believe I’ve been living and dying with throughout the millennia. People I would die to save.

People who I am very guilty of occasionally treating badly.  People who I haven’t called, texted or even tweeting in forever. I ignore phone calls. I hold grudges.  I hurt feelings.  I rush to get off the phone or off the IM. I have horrible trust issues. I have hang-ups that keep me distant and invulnerable.

Sometimes I consciously tell myself that I shouldn’t care about anyone.  Caring makes one vulnerable and out of control. And I don’t want to be vulnerable and out of control.

When I think about how I treat people, I feel like an asshole.  Because Marie is right. How dare I not care? How dare I not trust myself to be the kind of lover, friend, family member that my loved ones deserve? I mean, if God can trust me (and my friends and family trust me) to do it properly, what’s my f-ing problem?

I’ve been admonished.

Thanks, Marie for reminding me that love, friendship and family are beautiful gifts that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  I promise to do better.  And I printed out her post and am taping it on my Vision Board.  I want to be the kind of person that God, apparently, thinks I am.

Worthy of the people in my life.

For those who haven’t seen the twitter or facebook updates….I am gainfully employed!

Yay me!

This is the end of the FIRST week has been an interesting work week.  Monday was spent getting introduced to the building, Capitol Hill,  and all the different Audit sections. Tuesday were spent almost completely on selecting benefits.  (I, for one, did not know that insurance could be so expensive.)  I ended up buying a half a dozen different kinds of insurance. Now I worry that I’m paying for stuff that I’ll never need while simultaneously hoping to God that I never do!

Wednesday and Thursday were spent in my cube (yes I have a cubicle) reading a stack of manuals. Administrative procedures, departmental procedures, division procedures, performance audit procedures.  I read several different kinds of audit reports.  I know auditing backwards and forwards.

Today, my division chief gave me his version of Auditing 101 (basically a recap of everything I’ve read so far this week.  I really, really understand (conceptionally, at least) what I am here to do.

I am officially ready to hit the ground running.

And apparently that is exactly what they expect me to do.

Monday is Day 1 on a new project and I am one part of a two person team. What fun! (Actually it IS fun)

My division chief, on several occasions this week has told me a bit about how I came to be hired.  On Wednesday, he told me that there were several highly qualified finalists but that I rose to the top. How I rose, I am not sure.  I assured him that I am immensely happy to be working, and flattered, to say the least.)

Today, he told me that there were several (including me) good candidates in the applicant pool.  There were some he knew would be productive staff analysts for many years. He then said that I was selected because it was clear that I wouldn’t be satisfied staying a staff analyst, and he needed to hire someone who wanted to be promoted.  Quickly.  The division is extremely understaffed, and my boss hopes to put me on the fast track when the budget is less restrictive.  (Yay me!)

As he told me all this, it took tremendous will not to start laughing out loud!  Am I that obvious?  No lie, on Monday during orientation I looked at the department’s vacancies org chart and decided that I could comfortably stay in this organization for 5-6 years and move up quickly in responsibility and salary.  It is nice to know that my boss has already pegged me as a mover and shaker and is willing to push me along.

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