Life in the Middle Lane

A super cool older (but very sexxy) lady that I know recently started dating again. She’s been “dating” this one guy for a few months now (maybe longer) and she has a lot of questions about what is good, bad, and appropriate behavior. And she asks me for advice. Which tickles the sh*t out of me.

She, like a lot of women, is scratching her head trying to decipher male behavior. And the more I yell at her to stop, the worse she gets.

Conversation one:

Her: I was talking to some mutual friends of ours and they were saying how cute his son is. They asked me how I liked his son. And I had to tell them I haven’t met him.

Me: Do you want to meet his son?

Her: Not really, I just want him to want me to meet his son. I don’t actually need to meet him.

Me: So you don’t want to meet the kid? You were just feeling some kind of way for being excluded?

Her: Yeah. And why doesn’t he want me to meet the kid?

Me: You should ask him.

Her: You’re not helpful.

Conversation two:

Her: Do you think he likes me? He does a, b, and c  things that make me think he likes me, but then he does x and y which makes me think he doesn’t.

Me: Well there is no template that says he has to do any of those things. Do you like him?

Her: I mean we are great friends, we talk on the phone a lot, and we see each other often.

Me: So you like him?

Her: I don’t know. I want to know if he likes me.

Me: Then you should ask him.

Her: Or you should just tell me.

Me: I don’t know! I’m not him!

Her: You are not helpful.

Conversation three:

Her: I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him, but I didn’t want to talk to him so I left a message on his house phone, even though I could have reached him on the work or cell phones.

Me: Why would you do that? You could have just had a short conversation, and gotten off the phone. Both of you were at work. Who are you trying to fool with that mess?

Her: That’s what he said. He said that I send mixed messages.

Me: You do. You are insane.

Her: Well I don’t want to get hurt.

Me: I know, but if you like this guy you have to be real. You can’t be playing games.

Her: I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore. You always take his side.

Conversation four:

Her: I don’t understand. He came to (this event where he wasn’t expected) and he was so nice, but when I wanted to introduce him to the family, he was a little standoffish. But then he came over and hung out with all the family (@ another event) and stayed all day.

Me: Yeah, he acted like he really belonged. Everyone seems to like him.

Her: What does that mean?

Me: I don’t know. He seemed really comfortable, even when people asked him what his intention what with you. And said other things to embarrass him.

Her: I know. What does it mean? Why did he hang out all day?

Me: I don’t know, what don’t you ask him.

Her: Humph. You could just tell me.

Me: I am not your man! Ask him why the hell he stayed at your house all day talking to your family, and *ish. I don’t know why.

Conversation Five:

Her: We aren’t dating. We’re just friends.

Me: Sure you are.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: I think you two have been dating. You may as well call him your freaking boyfriend.

Her: What is dating?

Me: Do you talk most days a week?

Her: Yes

Me: Do you all go out/hang out together/ever in each other’s presence for social reasons?

Her: Yes

Me: You are dating.

Her: But how do I know that for sure? I’m too old for this!

Me: Ask him or shut up.

Conversation Six

Her: I wonder if he is seeing other people?

Me: Have you talked to him about that?

Her: No. Why should I?

Me: Because you want to know.  I mean, it makes since that you are concerned about the status of the relationship.

Her: But we are just friends. I don’t care if he sees other people.

Me: I don’t believe you. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have said anything about it and we wouldn’t talk about this man 4 times a week.

Her: Well. I’m not mentioning it to him. I’m married to Jesus.

I could go on like this for days, but I think you get the point.

Lessons 1: Communication is key in relationships. I understand that wanting to talk friends/family about problems/issues in a relationship, but dang it. Sometimes your friends and family don’t have the answers, and you gotta just go to the source.

Gotta question? Ask the person you are relating with. Don’t understand something? Ask them to clarify. Confused? They probably are as well. Having a feeling? Tell them about it.

Lesson 2: There are no f*cking rules to dating. Relationships are what you make of them. And since most of us had HORRIBLE relationship role models in our parents, we are all on our own, anyway.

Lesson 3: Dating doesn’t get any easier as we get older! Men and women never learn how to talk to each other (and gay folks, you know we all have our own special issues). Hurt feelings is ageless and sexless. Old daters are still worried about hurting each other and getting hurt. So be straightforward and upfront about your wants and needs, and expect to get them met. If your “other” can’t/won’t meet those needs, then walk.

Lesson 4: You can call it whatever you want. Dating is dating. If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, smells like a duck, then it is an f*cking duck and no amount of denial can change that. Get over yourself.

Ok, now I’m done. And I have a headache from all the screaming and eye rolling. Going to bed.