Life in the Middle Lane

My name is Monica and I am a complainer. I’m also a worrier. And a cynic. I have very little faith (in anything). And I can get really anxious (I think I get worked up with all the worrying.)

For almost a year now, I have been trying to counteract my tendencies and put a little good ju-ju into the atmosphere. Because if The Secret is right, then I’m attracting tons of negativity.  And that’s bad.

At least 3 nights a week I try to make a list of all the things I’m thankful for.

My thankful list is generally kind of random.  When my brother was in Iraq (twice!!) my thankful list consisted of 1. Being thankful that a member of the Army didn’t show up at our door with bad news. 2.  Being thankful that my brother would wake us up in the middle of the night with a phone call from the other side of the world.

Nowadays, I’m just thankful when I can find a parking place. Or that when I cut all my hair off I still look like a girl.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been adding another layer to my little ritual.  I’ve been asking for things that I need.  I’m not sure what I expect, but supposedly, when you put good stuff into the Universe, you get good stuff back.  We get not because we ask not, and all that jazz.

We’ll see.

So, I’m going to share with you, some things that I am thankful for.  And the gifts (or blessings, whatever) that I’m asking for.

1. I am thankful that my baby sister is enjoying school and life in Atlanta.
2. I’m thankful that my brother is still in the States, and not in the Middle East.
3. I’m thankful for my relationship with the gf.  It (she) has taught/helped me to rediscover some things about myself that I either denied, forgotten, or was unaware of.
4. I am thankful that my mother calls me almost everyday because she wants to know how I’m doing and she just wants to chat.
5. I am thankful that my friend, R, is finally taking care of herself and putting herself first in her own life.
6. I am thankful for friends.  Not too long ago, I felt really alone.  I don’t anymore.
7. I am thankful that I’m in grad school.  3 years ago I worried that no respectable program would have me.  But I’m in one of the top 6 programs in the country. Go figure!
8. I’m thankful for positive role models (especially relationship role models)
9. I’m thankful for the beauty, the rhyme, rhythm and the symmetry that I find in nature and in life every day.
10. I’m thankful for the passion that I feel inside myself.  It still surprises me sometimes.
11. I’m thankful for my super awesome job and totally cool boss, and my groovy co-workers who invite me to parties
12. I’m thankful for my classmate, aka, drinking buddies.  They rock my world.

And one to grow on: (I will not number it 13). I’m thankful for my little Toyota Corolla that gets 30 MPG and takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’

Now for the things that I ask for….

1. I ask for the strength to do all the things that life demands (waking up, speaking up, being present)
2. I ask for guidance to know where and on what I should focus my time
3. I ask for the courage to be the person I know I am.
4. I ask for confidence in myself-I need to trust my intuition
5. I ask for the right words at the right time
6. I ask for help getting through the next two hellacious weeks of school
7. I ask for my dream job
8. I ask for health and safety for my family and friends
9. I ask for the ability to not be constantly distracted by everything
10. I ask for focus
11. I ask that it doesn’t rain while I’m walking outside.
12. I ask that I don’t hit/get hit while in a car or walking on the street.

What are you thankful for?  What would you like a bit more of?

Some of you may have already known that I’m not Superwoman, but really it was news to me.

I was sitting in class yesterday, and the professor was trying very hard to have a class discussion about local economic development theory, but basically he was vomiting words at us, and I’d bet money that most of us were thinking about the series of assignments that he gave us at the beginning of class and not about how to revitalize communities.

The assignments were:

Assignment 1– A neighborhood assessment, including a neighborhood walk-through and census data analysis.

Assignment 2– A 5-6 pager on our Community Development Philosophy-complete with references to the multitude of articles that I haven’t read yet.

Assignment 3—Research something meaningful for a local non-profit. I’m working with Downtown Durham Inc to check out the feasibility of inclusionary zoning. (loads of fun, actually)

As the professor told us his expectations for these various projects, I had a startling thought.

Something has got to go. I can’t do everything. Unless something goes (and quickly) something important (like my health or sanity) is going to slip and I’m going to seriously f*ck-up my life.

This is a major shift in how I think. I generally believe that everything will fall into place; I just have to keep up. Yesterday I realized that there are a limited number of hours in a day, and a limited number of days in a week, and that this semester is FLYING BY and I am slowly getting behind. And my advisors aren’t shy about telling me that I’ve got 2 weeks to write my thesis proposal. YIKES!!!

But most importantly, at some point over the past six months, I’ve gotten fat and my head always hurts and my allergies are giving me hell. And this is bad, bad, bad.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know at the beginning of the semester that I was going to have to be in class, write papers read articles, work on projects; it was just that all of a sudden it the end of September and everything is due. Right now. It wasn’t that I didn’t notice that my eating habits suck, that I exercise once or twice a week, and that I don’t sleep really well. I notice everything. I just kept pushing EVERYTHING to the back burner and tried to believe that everything would be ok.

I’ve let my life get away from me. I don’t feel like I’m in control. And that is a no no.

In the eternally relevant words of my dear friend, L:

I have to get my life together.

-I am dropping a class. Sadly, it has to be Planning for Jobs. I like this class, it is intellectually stimulating, but it takes up a significant part of my week, it really it isn’t what I expected and I don’t want to work with labor markets or unions, so the ROI is very small.

- I have the freaking schedule exercise time. 5 days a week. I have pudge in places where I have never had pudge. And since I am creeping towards 30 (very, very slowly, mind you) I have to curb the pudginess NOW. I mean, my fall clothes are a wee bit tight. And that is very, very bad.

-I’m going on the Go Lean Breakfast, Popcorn snack, and Lean Cuisine Lunch diet. I gotta get right for the job market. No one wants to hire a fat girl. (Or I just don’t want to be the fat girl that they have to hire because I’m brilliant, but they don’t want to because she’s fat)

-I have to get on a schedule pronto, and freaking stick to it. Maybe I can talk to Holly about teaching me how to schedule. I have a master’s paper to write so that I can graduate, along with all the other papers/presentation that I have to write/do. I work 20 hours a week. I have a life, friends, and a blog for goodness sakes. I gotta fit it all in.

-I have to take my allergy meds (EVERYDAY!!!). I feel like sh*t otherwise, (like today).

Today, tomorrow, and Tuesday I’m in Richmond, VA at the ICMA conference bullying city and county managers (and a few stray recruiters and consultants) into giving me a job.

I have talked my @ss off today. I have met so many people, received so many cards (I don’t have any dammit!). Now it’s 10 pm, and the introvert in me is very tired. I don’t want to talk to anyone for a while.

Since 10 am I have been ON. Smiling, smoozing, hob-nobing, whatever and but by 8pm, my feet (in 3 inch heels) were DONE. I couldn’t bring myself to have a meaningful conversation with another person. All I was willing to talk about was how tired I was and how I wanted to go back to my room.

However, it has been a great day. And I wrote a cool post (I think) about some of what I learned today.

You can read it all here. But here are some highlights.

I attended two great sessions. The first was a Speed Coaching session where seasoned managers talked to us newbies about how to make it do what it do, i.e. be sucessful, get jobs, navigate the career ladder(s), etc.

Here’s what I learned:

*I need to discover my values and look for organizations that reflect those values. In my case, that means finding an organization that is progressive, forward thinking, and creative. For others, that may mean finding an organization that values loyalty, “stick-to-it-ive-ness” or some other core personal value.

*Don’t get pigeoned-holed. I heard the word “generalist” at least 10 times. According to the manager coaches, it is hard to move from a departmental role to a Manager/Assistant role. I was told that if I want to be a Manager, I should be looking at “Assistant to” or Management Analyst jobs more so than jobs in departments.

*On the other hand, I was also told to be flexible. This relates to moving between organizations, relocating geographically, and the types of jobs that I take. In all of these, I need to be willing to learn as much as I can and gain a wide range of experiences as I advance up my career ladder.

*I need to have clear career goals. As I interview with different jurisdictions, I need to know how I can contribute to the organization, but I also need to know what I hope to learn; should it be budgeting, personnel, supervision, or just more about an issue.

*I need to build a network and have mentors. Several managers told me that they had help moving up the management ranks. Many of them had bosses who encouraged them to apply for jobs that would give them additional leadership experience or they had folks to tell them that it was time to more from one position to another.

*I need to decide what size organization works best for me. Several mangers said that there are basically two tracks: I could join a smaller organization where I could be in a higher position where I would have more responsibility or I could join a larger organization, where I would be probably be in a “lower” position, but would have more resources and more opportunity for growth. I also heard that is it hard to move from the small org. track to the large org track.

*Stand out from the crowd. Cultivate what makes you different. If your passions, (like mine) include housing policy, economic and downtown development, then you should work with that as a starting place. If you are a creative, out of the box thinker (also, like me) let it shine!

I also had the chance to attend a Women In Management Luncheon, where there was a panel discussion that talked about challenges and opportunities that face female managers, and up and coming female managers. Surprisingly (or not) I heard an echo of the same things that I heard at the Speed Coaching event. Several panelists talked about being open to lots of opportunities, learn as much as you can, get mentors often and early, trust your intuition, etc.

Here’s some other things that I heard:

*Be fearless- Don’t be afraid to get promoted. And don’t doubt your abilities. Take risks!

*Be Confident- Do the thing that you think you can not do (because you can, indeed, do those things)

*Aim high- Don’t think that, because you are a woman, you can’t (or shouldn’t be) a City or County Manager.

*You can be kind and tough. And know that others shouldn’t mistake your kindness for weakness. It is important to be true to yourself, so if you are genuinely a gentle person, do that! But be prepared to stand up and make the hard decisions when they are called for. You are a leader, after all.

*Have soft skills! Anyone can learn budgeting, but everyone can’t lead people, everyone doesn’t communicate well, everyone can’t be empathetic.
Other things today….

I attended a Next Generation Mixer (it was so-so, full of 20-somethings, they wanted me to pay for water (WTF?) and I was too tired to chit-chat), and the Midwest and Mountain Plains Regional meetings (getting my hustle on), but most of the managers I have met have been from Cali. And the GF said that she would follow me to Cali, so I’m sending my resumes attached to Thank You emails. I’m getting a job.

Believe it.

The Universe needs all the help she can get!

A friend and I had a conversation a few weeks ago, and as is the case often with me, the topic strayed to politics. Apparently, I stuck my foot in my mouth one too many times when I said something about Bush being an idiot, and how if McCain had been the 2000 Republican nominee, and had he subsequently won the general election, that America wouldn’t be in the sh*tcan now.

To which she replied that WE didn’t know that W. was stupid. My eyebrows raised, and I said WE? And my beautiful, wonderful, African American, enlightened friend precedes to tell me that she is a registered Republican and that she voted from W–twice. And my jaw hit the floor, the room started spinning and I had to remind myself to keep breathing.

Once I woke up from my faint and was able to close my mouth (*only kidding slightly) I asked her why. (just a little hysterically)

Her response surprised me, and amazingly, I agree with some of her points, (intellectually, at least).  I will share them with you.

She said that the Democratic Party tries to be everything to everybody. I know this is true and I have complained about it, actually a lot, when I was involved. I mean, I understand wanting to be the party of inclusion, but there comes a point, as my friend told me, that you spread yourself too thinly, you’ve got too much going on, you have too many folks with their hands out, and you don’t have adequate resources to take of the most important things. And there are some things that are super more important.

Democrats, you gotta prioritize. You can’t do everything. People of color, gay people, environmentalists, socialists, poor people, working class, the disenchanted, city folk, country folk, the educated, artists, leftists of all persuasions flock to the Democratic Party. And part of me thinks that is great, but part of me knows that time and money are precious commodities ( I learned that from Seth)

I also learned from Seth that you have to be the best– and apparently Americans haven’t considered the Democrats to be the best. Which makes me sad. The Dems fail by dealing with so many differing agendas and priorities.  I imagine it being like herding cats, or some other wild animal. Impossible, tiring, and not pleasing to anyone involved.  Pick things that will be the most uplifting for your party and keep it moving.  I’m not saying forget all the really small obscure folks, but you can’t let them water down the message.  Message consistency is important.

Next, my friends said that while she agrees that the most fortunate have a duty to the least among us, she hates to see ineffective government spending. She used housing policy as an example. She asked me to recite some of the names of Housing Acts that are supposed to help lower income people afford nice places to stay. I started naming them (I am studying housing policy this semester so I could do that).

When she asked me why there are so many (and there are) I told her that some of the reasons that there are a multitude of housing policies is that some of them aren’t funded enough, that each policy focuses on a particular group of folks, that there are a lot of homeless and almost homeless folks in America to deal with, and that the policies continue to be tweaked and renamed.

She, in turn, forced me to think about other ways to reach and help people with housing aid (other than giving them a check/voucher), and she forced me to think about all the projects/policies that don’t work, but continue to get funded. And I got a little pissed off. Because she is right.

I’ve met dirt ass poor people in western North Carolina that prove her point. The Feds pours money into social policy—and they should because it helps people, but policies need to prove that they work. There should be performance measures that show that people are being helped and aren’t being reecycled through the system. Because when policies don’t work but continue to be funded, they make us socialists look bad. And public money is wasted, which sucks.

Poor, proud independent people vote Republican because they don’t take advantage of the social service system and are abhorrent about supporting it through taxes. They don’t want to pay taxes, period! And they definitely don’t want to pay taxes for social policy they don’t want, that threatens their independent nature, and is seen as charity. These are folks who would rather not have indoor plumbing and would prefer to live in a shanty than to talk to a non-profit or government agency on how to rehab their home, install plumbing, get on food stamps, etc. I think this is stupid, but that is just me.

So why do non-super rich people vote Republican? Well, apparently some of them have logical answers.  But mostly, I think they don’t see themselves reflected in the Democrats,or they see others that they don’t agree with reflected more in the Democrats than they do in the Republicans and they chose, what to them is the lesser of two evils. It is absolutely horrid, but true.

None of this post is to say that I, or anyone else should ever, ever vote Republican. That would be a stupidly bad decision. I would call you names, I may throw rocks at you and you won’t be allowed in my house.

But seriously, the Republican Party gets it wrong on so many levels. They get it wrong on health, they get it wrong on women’s issues, they get it wrong on taxation, they get it wrong on war, and they get it wrong on diversity issues. The only thing that they don’t get wrong is how to increase the gap between the rich and the poor while increasing the national deficit like crazy.

But as my unlikely conversation with my friend (we are still friends, btw) proves, the more you know the better off you are. I’m the first to admit that the federal system is broken, it needs to be overhauled. But I’m not enough of a masochist to go to Washington and fight to fix it. For now, I’ll just work on making my little piece of community here at home the most awesome place ever, and I’ll keep talking to you on the information superhighway, of course.

 You may or may not know that I have been away for the past few days on a Chamber of Commerce trip to Ann Arbor. Today was the first and only day that I’ll be in class this week.

I didn’t blog while I was away (I was too busy talking to folks and generally getting into trouble).

For the next few days, I’ll be decompressing and analyzing my experience and hopefully, I’ll find the time to share all the really cool stuff that I got to see and do. I’m also planning to cross-post on OrangePolitics, so that folks in Orange County that didn’t get to go on the trip get to hear my perspective on the Ann Arbor Inter-City Visit.

On a slightly different note, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with my life. The Ann Arbor trip took 3 complete days out of my life. Those were days that I missed class, and didn’t do any reading or research. Those three days left me completely tired and wanting to go to bed immediately. Those were three days that I half-checked my email and I am still not finished getting back to folks. (If you emailed me between Friday and today, I may not have gotten to you yet)

Bottom line, I’m in grad school, I work two jobs, and I blog 2-4 times a week. I have a lot going on, and I’m not willing to let anything go. Everything that I am currently involved in are things that are really important to me, and it’s worth my sanity to stay involved. I think I almost prefer it this way.

Maybe being slightly overwhelmed is going to be the standard for my life. Maybe this is one of the drawbacks of having varied interests. I do a little bit of everything, and I’m the only one who can see the pattern of how it all fits together.

When I think of all the things I have to do, I have to remember to take deep breaths and keep it together. I have to believe that everything is going to be ok. Otherwise, I may start crying and never stop. And I can’t do that since this coming weekend I’m going to a conference in Richmond where I will be blogging and networking and finding a job. (*sign. Why do I keep signing up for these things? I love it, that’s why.)

Two conferences two weeks in a row will leave me even more behind. And even more stressed. And even more crazy. I have research to do and papers to write and presentations to give! But I go to these conferences and I participate through blogging because it is important to me.

In Richmond, I’m going to pass out my resume, and someone is going to offer me my dream job. It is going to happen. The Universe and I have been talking again.

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Friday party peoples!!!!

I hope you are having a great day and are feeling and fresh and fancy as I am.  But if you are living in the path of an oncoming hurricane, I hope that you are hunkering down for the storm. And I do mean HUNKER down! Hurricanes (the storms) suck and Global Warming is real.  Just ask Al Gore.  He was talking about environmental stuff when I was in high school.  I remember reading a book that he wrote when I was in the ninth grade.  We had the choice to build a Earth Day bulletin board for the class or read this book.  ….

I chose to read the book.  LOL  And by the way, Hurricanes (the drink) are super yummy.

But I digress.  Today is wonderful beautiful day, and I made a life altering decision.

I cut off all my hair.  Oh, I don’t mean I got a hair cut and now its short.  I mean, I cut ALL my hair off.  It is right now, about a half an inch long. And thank goodness that I have a gorgeous face (not even kidding a little bit), because oftherwise, I would look like a sad pitiful mess.

I reach up to touch my hair and I am surprised by the air up there. When you don’t have any hair, there is nothing to hide behind.

All I am is face and face parts.  I have big lips, a big nose, a big forehead and prominent cheek bones.  And other than my glasses, you can see everything much clearer without all the hair distracting from my beauty.

I know I sound a little full of myself, but the Universe is egging me on.  No less than 8 people that I don’t know have stopped me in the street or in the stairwell to tell me how beautiful I am.  And my eyebrow waxer told me I had fierce eyebrows to match my fierce haircut.  And her co-worker told me I could model.  So, there.  I’m hot and they proved it.

Pictures will be posted soon!!!!

I had a really great idea that I was going to write about today, and I will get back to it later this week, but I am so mad right now that I have to vent. NOW!

Chapel Hill Transit and UNC-CH, you are both on my sh*t list today.

My day started off badly this morning with a headache and the memory of yesterday, all the crap that pissed me off and the midnight break-down that I had (complete with emotions and everything, ya’ll! GOSH!)

Got a couple of text messages this morning that made me smile and gave me the energy to roll my semi-depressed self out of bed. I have class today at 12:30, and an appointment with the cable guy at 10, so it was important that I get it moving today so that, in addition to my other problems, I wouldn’t start out the day being late.

So, I get started with my morning process and everything is going great, then I realize that it’s past 10 and the cable guy isn’t at my house. So I call him, leave him a voicemail and tell him that we need to set up a new time because I have to go to class. I’m a little pissed at this point because my gf has already told me that she’s not coming to NC unless I have cable. (and her visits are important to me, hee, hee)

I have a very nutritious brunch of chicken pie and peas (thanks, R!), I remember to take my vitamins and I head out the door. So far, things are ok. I know that at this late hour I won’t be a able to park at my usual park and ride, the FCX, because you have to be there at the crack of f-ing dawn to get a space. And I already have a $50 ticket for creating my own space. *sign.

Yesterday, I learned that the grocery store (Fresh Market ) and the apartment complex (Glen Lennox) that were my primary alternative parking arrangements are towing folks or at least threatening folks with brand new red signs, and I didn’t want to risk that drama. So I drive to a UNC visitor lot that usually lets me park even though I’m clearly a student As I turn into the lot I see the f-ing lot full sign, BUT THE LOT ISN’T FULL. I see several spaces available and at least 3 people paying to get out of the lot. But at this point, my only option is to back out into traffic (there is no room to turn around at the entrance to the lot). I’m more pissed now because this is a major street and leaving this lot in DRIVE requires me to take my life into my own hands. Needless to say, I do not want to back out into relentless on-coming high speed traffic. But I have to, so I just put old girl into reverse and gun it, slap her into drive and gun it. Luckily the hu-ganic Jeep that I cut off slows down in time not to completely ruin my day.

At this point, I’m desperate to park (but not desperate enough to park in the metered slots with no quarters. (That is a guaranteed ticket, and I’m trying to avoid more of those) So I drive AWAY from campus to another park and ride lot (Southern Village). I thought I’d safely find a space there since it’s a bit more out of the way and I thought would have less traffic. Dammit, this lot was almost full, I found a space. YAY! And I saw that the bus was there, so I got out of my car and started walking towards the bus stop. THE BUS PULLS AWAY AND LEAVES!!!!!! I curse a blue streak; scream into the heavens (probably scaring all the kids at a nearby elementary school). I continue walking towards the bus stop to check the schedule, b/c surely another bus is coming soon.

NOT SO. At 11:10 am, the next bus wasn’t due until 12:05. Since my first class starts at 12:30, even if I wanted to, I just don’t have the time to sit and wait. So I get back into my car and start thinking about where I’m going to park.

I decide that I’m going to have to park on a side street and hope that no one A. hits my car or B. has me towed, but first I swing back by the visitor lot to see if they removed the lot full sign. They had, and there was exactly one space available. Thank you, God, for having pity on me. I appreciate it.

Total time spent getting to school today? Roughly 40 minutes and a whole lot of gas. I left my apartment at 10:50 and didn’t get into the School of Government until 11:38. My life is Ri( f-ing)diculous today.

So I’m mad at UNC for having 8 billion students, staff, faculty, hospital personnel, and other assorted individuals on campus on a daily and not a damn place on campus for any of us to park. UNC, I bet you are planning on parking tickets as a revenue source aren’t you, you @ssholes?!?!?!? I hate you. Every day that I must trek to campus is a hassle because parking and riding from bum-f*ck remote location is a pain in my @ss.

More campus parking!!!!!!! Don’t build surface parking lots. Its’ bad for the environment, they take up more space, and there are never enough parking spaces. You could build an enormous 10 story parking deck on the same patch of land and fit 100’s more cars in it. But that makes too much sense and is too much like right. You want me to park illegally and get a parking ticket. I hate you.

Now, Chapel Hill Transit. I hate you, just for today, though. Tomorrow will likely be better for you. I usually enjoy my free bus rides. But how are you going to offer buses to and from park and rides and then only offer them once an hour? I mean, how are every 15, 20, or 30 minutes. When I left the park and ride, there were 2 other cars coming in. Who has the time to wait an hour for the bus? More importantly, if I could, I would kick that bus driver that f-ing left me. I know they saw me. I drove right by him on my way to the parking space.

And another thing. If you guys had printed the full bus schedule, (like you did last year!!) then I would have been more likely to know what f-ing time the Southern Village bus was supposed to come and I would have (maybe) been there earlier.

Now I have to go to my labor markets class that I didn’t do the reading for yesterday because I was too busy crying my eyes out and questioning my relationship. I hope you had a better Monday than I did, and a better Tuesday than I’m having.

Hypocrisy, Hypocrisy…. And the flip-flopping, man, oh man.

See, America, the Republicans aren’t immune to flip-flopping. But unlike John Kerry, who the Republican machine smeared relentlessly on changing him mind on an issue, when they do it it just means they are becoming more enlightened. (*tongue in cheek)

The more likely story is that it isn’t that one shouldn’t or can’t change/adjust on a position as long as there is enough time between the changing of opinions that no one (i.e. dumb numb Americans) remembers…. except The Daily Show.

Check it out